An Open Letter to My Siblings, From the Baby

Dear Big Brother/Sister,

Just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say. I’ve been on this earth for a while now and I’ve seen things -- disturbing things -- and it’s about time you knew what you’re in for once I’m old enough to speak my mind...and walk. And not drool everywhere. And not poop my pants. You get my point.

I have a few things I’d like to say, so put down your sidewalk chalk and listen up. ‘Cause I’m only gonna say this once.

First of all, stop commenting on my poop. Yes it stinks. And so does yours. It wasn't long ago you were in my position, spread eagle for the entire world to see. So back off, sister, and give a girl some room to breath.

I deserve better. Don't think I didn’t notice you give me the broken crackers and snack cast-offs. Just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I can’t get my revenge. Here, put your finger in my mouth.

I’m small -- not stupid. One day I'll be big enough to defend myself, but for now, I'll just lay here, helpless, as you poke at me and take my teething ring. But one day.

Stop interpreting for me. You just told Mom I wanted everyone to have cookies and we both know I just need a diaper change. You’re putting words in my toothless mouth and I’m fed up all the way to my cradle cap.

Stop blaming me for everything. I know I didn't break it. You know I didn't  break it. And yet, in all your three year old wisdom, you told Mom I did it to spare yourself from punishment. Shame on you and your whole household -- except me, of course. Besides, I can’t even roll over yet so Mom’s not buying it.

So, dear sibling, in no time at all I will be big enough to defend my rights as an equal member of this household. Until then, enjoy stealing my toys and blaming me for all your mistakes -- ‘cause in a few months, I’m gonna be all up in your grill. And I don’t mean the kind that burned off Daddy’s eyebrows.



Your Youngest Sibling (AKA “Your worst enemy”)