Tips for Clothing Stores: Dim the Lights and Get Me Buzzed If You Want Me To Buy Your Clothes

Mail Online is reporting that there's a high fashion Karl Lagerfield clothing store in the UK putting iPads in all the dressing rooms. Sounds like an iPad full of hilarity, shame and sadness, but apparently its purpose is to give patrons an opportunity to send selfies to their friends for a second opinion on the outfits they're trying on. Which is odd, because why would I use your public iPad when I could just use my own smart phone that I'm guessing 99.9% of the people who can afford to shop in the store probably own?

Anyway, I feel like the fashion mogul is getting it all wrong. If you want me to buy overly priced clothes at your store you're going to need more muscle than allowing me to take a selfie on your iPad that I'll later regret and then have to drive back to the store to make sure I really did delete that picture of me wearing overly tight skinny jeans and duck lips. 

Here are 5 bullet proof business tips for all clothing stores if they want me to buy their crap:

1) Dim Lighting and/or Candlelight

Who is responsible for the blinding LED lights put in dressing rooms (lookin' at you local Gap)? If you want me to buy your clothes, it would behoove you to provide lighting that doesn't make my body look like it’s stuffed with cottage cheese. In a day and age when Target is Photoshopping their size 0 tween models into negative human sizes, how is dressing room lighting overlooked?

When you're shining a blinding beam of light that is showcasing every dimple on my body, I'm not only losing confidence in your maxi dress, but your ability to use common sense. It's pretty simple, if you want me to feel good about your $200 jeans, I would suggest not casting a giant shadow the size of Sasquatch off my muffin top.

And while we're talking about keeping the lighting calm and soft, may I recommend ...

2) Skinny Mirrors

As human beings, more specifically women, we're fully aware that not all mirrors are created equal. Some mirrors make me look like I'm a 5' 9" long and lean sexy machine, while others are fun house mirrors that make me look like an Amish Oompa Loompa who doesn't believe in makeup.

Forgive me for stating the obvious, but if you want me to buy your clothes, you have my full permission to deceive me. My eyes are on my face - I have absolutely no idea what I look like unless you show me.

Show me beautiful, sweet lies!

3) Keep it Cool

Not all of us shop foot loose and fancy. Some of us have to get a dress for a special occasion and only have a 3 hour pass away from the kids - or - the kids are in the dressing room with us, are embarrassingly loud and crawling underneath the walls into other people's stalls. Either way, we're hot, stressed and pressed for time!

Keeping it muggy in a dressing room with me in it is a recipe for me hating your store and the Chanel horse you rode in on. You want me cool, calm and not retaining water - you hear me White House Black Market?

You know how when we're feeling chilly, certain rings can have a hard time staying on our fingers? Yes, do that - but with my entire body. 

4) Provide Wine

Get a liquor license immediately and pour me a glass of wine the minute I enter the store. Keep filling it until I'm buzzed. If you want me to buy a bunch of crap I don't need, that is. 

There's something very romantic about wine and not because it's such a sophisticated high brow beverage, but because the more wine I drink the better looking everyone gets, including myself. 

For instance, a month ago I had wine night with my favorite girls. During the entire evening, I thought I was the sexiest woman who ever lived. The next day when reviewing pictures on my iPhone, however, I discovered my selfies looked more like a prostitute's mug shots. My point is, wine is magic.

Also, did I mention wine makes me think money isn't real? Use this to your advantage!

5) Put Carson Kressley in Every Dressing Room

My final clothing store business tip? Put Carson Kressley in every dressing room telling us how gorgeous we look in turquoise harem pants. Seriously. I'd wear a flamingo dress from the 80s to Whole Foods if Kressley told me I looked fabulous. I may "think" I know what looks good, but a fashionable gay man's opinion will trump mine, every single time.

Gay Man: Oh my god, that potato sack looks AMAZING on you!

Me: It does? You really think so?! I'll buy 10 in every dirty brown color!!

I'm baffled that my tips aren't obvious, common sense techniques used by today's clothing and fashion industry. I debated charging for this advice, but frankly I consider this a service to all womankind. Give me a cool, dimly lit dressing room with a skinny mirror, a glass of wine and Carson Kressley lying to me about how good I look and I'll put every parachute pant you got on my Rewards Visa. And I'll justify it because I'll receive 5 extra reward points towards the 100,000 points I'll need for a $50 gift certificate to the Olive Garden. 

This business strategy can't lose. You can thank me later.