I love taking photographs and making photo albums, so I document everything with my camera. Everything, including my recent tummy tuck surgery after having lost 50 pounds.
When I arrived to surgery, I brought my camera with me. Upon awaking from anesthesia, and I use the word "awake" very loosely, I was terribly nauseous and feeling pretty miserable, but the first thing I wanted was a photograph.
When they led my husband into the recovery room, my eyes weren't even open yet.
Sensing his presence, I flung open my blanket and mumbled "Honey, Honey take my picture. Please take my picture. I want to see my belly. Take my picture."
He paused for a while and I could hear hesitation in his voice as he responded "Are you sure?"
"Yes, yes, take it!" I demanded.
I heard the shutter click and then I went back to sleep.
A few days later, I was going through my camera and got a big surprise. I asked my husband "What in the H E double hockey sticks is a picture of my vag doing on the camera?"
He made his confused face and said "You told me to take that picture."
"That's what I had you take a picture of? In my head I thought you could totally see my smoking hot new bod!"
It wasn't even a cute picture of my vagina either. I had on surgical stockings stained with iodine, and two plastic tubes coming out of my incision, attached to a bulb drain which was full of blood and fluid. And then front and center was my vag, all swaddled up with a hospital gown and cotton blankets.
I laughed about it, but then soon forgot because of all the narcotics I was on.
About a week later, when I was a little more coherent, I was telling my best friend about the photo. She thought it was hilarious. I didn't have my camera with me, but I wanted to show her the picture. At some point, my photos were transferred from the camera to the laptop.
My BFF came over to my house and was using my laptop. I was still on narcotics and nausea medicine, so I was pretty loopy. When she handed me back my laptop I opened it and realized that I had the holy grail of all friendship scenarios. She had forgotten to log out of Facebook. I immediately started thinking of funny things to post to her timeline. I had typed some silly message like "You are totally hacked! Jenny loves you so much!" And then I opened up my photos and started going through them, in search of a funny pic I had of us from the Fourth of July.
As I was going through the pictures, I saw the picture of my post-surgical vag, the one I wanted to show her. Approximately twelve seconds prior I was on Facebook, but because of all the medication I was on, I completely forgot.
I double clicked the photo of my vagina to enlarge it, because I wanted to show it to her.
Then the most horrible thing that could happen, happened. I saw the little blue uploading bar appear on my screen. I suddenly realized that I was totally uploading my crotch to her Facebook page.
"Nooooooooo! Noooooooooo! Oh my gosh nooooo!" I screamed. I was completely flipping out. Because I had limited mobility, I managed to wedge myself between my bed and dresser and could not get out. I was screaming and flailing, and my BFF said I looked kind of like a beached dolphin. She still had no idea what the heck my problem was.
The second it posted to her Facebook I deleted it. I want to say it was their for .08 nano seconds. I started laughing so hard that I was crying. She asked me "What? What's wrong? WHAT?" But I couldn't get the words out. I was in hysterics.
When I was finally able to speak, I gasped "I just uploaded my vagina to your Facebook."
She literally dropped to the floor, knees first, and then her face. I wasn't sure if she was laughing or crying or having a seizure. After about a minute she wailed "I am friends with my aunts on Facebook!"
Through my laughter I kept saying "I am so sorry. I am so sorry."
One of my worst fears had come true. She was friends on Facebook with our coworkers, all of our mutual friends, her church Bishop, and many devout Mormons. And I had posted a picture of my lady parts, my most precious hooha, with the words "Jenny loves you so much!"
As far as we know, nobody ever saw it. But I think we both peed a little.