Congratulations! You’re now a full week into your resolutions after celebrating the new year - otherwise known as “The Magical Deadline” where most of us put off changing our bad habits and bad attitudes until this specific date because self-discipline sucks so hard. Did you know a whopping 8% will actually achieve their resolutions this year? Who are those weirdos?!
In order to be a part of the underachieving cool club who has undoubtedly already started to waver on their resolutions or simply given up completely, I’ve listed 5 easy steps on how to suck at keeping your new year resolutions:
Make your resolution completely unrealistic.
Easing your way into a total lifestyle change is for wimps. If you’re not jumping off the deep end when you can’t swim, what’s the point of life? The only way to epically fail at keeping your resolutions is to commit yourself to achieving impossible goals.
Get winded going up a short flight of stairs? Commit to running 5 miles daily without stopping!
Haven’t woken up earlier than 8 AM for the past 10 years? Commit to waking up at 4:30 AM every morning, including Sundays, to start cracking on that novel you wanted to write since college!
Want to start saving money? Commit to putting away 50% of your paycheck every month!
You get the gist!
Only start on Monday.
Everyone knows the only way to do anything worth while is to wait to do it on Monday. I even advise feeling a sense of relief if you make the commitment on a Tuesday because you get to wait a whole 6 days before having to make inconvenient life changes!
The best part? If something happens on Monday (like normal life stuff, usually), don’t despair - just start
tomorrow again next Monday. Be sure to indulge every day until then, who knows when you'll ever be able to eat ice cream or sleep-in ever again! Keep up this cycle until you forget you even made resolution in the first place. Cheers!
Blow a fat wad of cash on supplies to achieve your goals.
A sure fire way to ensure you're going to fail miserably at your resolution is to drop a buttload of cash on supplies.
Starting a daily workout program? Before lifting a single dumbbell, go purchase the most expensive shoes on the market. Purchase workout tops, bras, pants and sweatbands in every available color. Hop on iTunes and purchase about $50 worth of workout songs, then spend about 5 hours arranging your playlists. Then wait until Monday to start!
Starting Paleo Whole30? Perfect. Go to Whole Foods and drop about $500 on things like kale, raw nuts, grass fed beef and organic coconut milk. While you’re at it, drop your life savings on a Vitamix. Then wait until Monday to start!
Finally going to turn your hobby into a business, like painting? Great! Clear out Dick Blick on your credit card and kick a child out of their bedroom and remodel it into your new studio. Then wait until Monday to start!
You get the gist!
Go way too hard in the first 2 days.
If you want your damn resolution to die a cold, miserable death - go way, way too hard the first 2 days. If it’s a fitness goal, work out so long your arms become Jello and you can’t open doors or start your car. Do squats until you’re forced to use the handicapped stall because you’ll need the handrails to get off the toilet.
If you’re starting a new yoga/meditation program, meditate for so long it could also be called "sleeping" until you're forced to call in sick, cancel your lunch date, or make your family a box of cereal for dinner.
If your resolution is to keep a daily gratitude journal, take it a step further and write a hand written note to everyone you’ve ever known your whole life to let them know how thankful you are for them, including, but not limited to - the janitor at your old elementary school.
The point is, jump into the deep end, realize you can’t swim, then drown in your own unrealistic, overachieving goals!
Make a laundry list of excuses about why your goals are impossible and quit bitterly!
The best way to kill a dream is to lather it up full of excuses. You and I both know you don’t have time. Even if you stopped binge watching your favorite shows on Netflix for entire weekends, you still wouldn’t have time. Keep it real. You have a job for cripes sake, who do your resolutions think you are? Tony Robbins?
You can’t quit sugar now, your birthday is in 9 months! You can’t wake up early, you have self-diagnosed insomnia! You can’t write people letters, you can't afford stamps! You can't start a novel, you forgot what a preposition is!
Once you feel satisfied your excuses will get you off the hook from improving your quality of life, quit bitterly!
See how easy it is? I guarantee if you follow these 5 easy steps, your resolution will become a fleeting nightmare in no time.
If, and only if, you do actually want to make a positive change in your life - start off slow, forgive yourself often, get back on the horse when you get bucked off, believe you have everything you need already to be awesome and have a real good sense of humor handy when you need to use handrails to get off the toilet. Then, maybe - just maybe - you'll have a chance at achieving your new year resolutions.
But I wouldn't recommend it.