How To Suck at Yoga In Four Easy Steps

In my thirty-two years of life I've done nearly every workout under the sun. Tae bo. Pilates. Cross-fit. Running. Zumba. You name it I've probably done it, and, to be honest, hating most of it along the way. Don't get me wrong, I like to be healthy but I wish I could do it from the comfort of my couch while watching Downton Abbey and sipping tea like a true lady. Alas, that is not the case. So when my doctor recently recommended light-impact, non extreme workout  for one hour a day, I pounced on that opportunity like a cat on a laser dot. Or like this guy:

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If you're not completely sure as to HOW to begin a new yoga workout regiment, then by all means, let me assist you.

Step One: Find A Yoga Video or Class

Since leaving the comfort of my living room isn't an option for me, I started off by searching online for a good yoga video and finally found one. The key to finding the right video for you is to make sure the intro isn't so cheesy you laugh your back right out of place and end up laying on the floor, half writhing in pain, and half dying of laughter. Which is what happened to me when I saw this:

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Oh, and another good tip on how to throw your back out is to just simply try to get up off the floor. Works for me every damn time. After that, you'll get to sit on the couch all day, with a heating pad, and berate yourself for not appreciating the body you had when you were a teenager. It's not as awesome as it sounds, believe me.

Step Two: Eliminate Distractions

The instructor started off by saying to "eliminate all distractions" and, as I laid there being used as a table for my kids' goldfish snacks, I realized eliminating my family wasn't actually an option. So, I just pushed through the pain of doing downward dog on a pile of crackers whilst having the dog lick my face. And enduring oh-so-many kicks to my lady bits.

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Step Three: Know Your Limits

While doing yoga, it's common to feel energized and get cocky, thinking you are all-powerful and can accomplish anything that comes your way. Be warned though -- these feelings are NOT reality. You are not a god capable of striking any pose and getting out of it without breaking your nose.

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Step Four: Listen To The Universe

An hour of yoga is pretty good for beginners but if you feel like you can handle more, then please do. Listen to your body. Just also pay attention to the signs from the universe when it's time to quit. Mother Nature will let you know -- but just a warning, she can be a bitch at times.

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So that's it for today, folks! Feel free to stop by tomorrow as I walk you through a workout involving the thigh master, the shaker weight, and a bucket of fried chicken. Tip: you'll have to switch off between the weight and the chicken, but baby steps.

Same bat time! Same bat channel!