Hot, Sweaty Crowds

My family and I went to Orlando this summer. We’ve been putting it off for years, solely because I don’t enjoy walking around on scorching asphalt for 7 straight hours or paying $45.00 American for a corn dog. However, our children have been begging to go on a fun-filled amusement park trip for years, so my husband and I finally conceded.

I’m not going to complain about the majority of the vacation. It was lovely seeing the smiles on our kids’ faces when they met a real-live Transformer and put on 3D glasses to take a tour of a Minion Museum. We made memories that will long-live in our hearts, but there were several times I nearly lost my mind (and my spotless criminal record) on the trip, and it was because of one thing:

Hot, sweaty crowds.

Here’s the thing about hot, sweaty crowds: they suck. They are about as fun as their name implies. And nothing about hot, sweaty crowds implies feelings of joy or euphoria.

Hot, sweaty crowds of people tend to make the worst come out in anyone:

  • the way they casually brush their sweaty skin against yours in the Tilt-o-Whirl line

  • the way they hover their hot, sweaty armpits over you as you eat the world’s most expensive bucket of French fries

  • they way they talk so loudly, so hotly, so sweatily that you overhear every detail of their grandma’s last colonoscopy.

It’s maddening.

However, the worst thing about hot, sweaty crowds is that when you're walking in a hot, sweaty crowd, the individuals walking in front of you are going to stop walking at some point. They are just going to stop. Just. Going. To. Stop.

You’ll be moving along at a fairly quick pace in the hot, sweaty crowd, hoping to catch that Jurassic Park water ride across the park- which sets sail in less than 3 minutes- and the hot, sweaty person in front of you will suddenly apply their Nike brakes.  

They don’t care that they have countless people walking behind them. They think now would be a good time to suddenly stop and check the map for the nearest face-painting station.

People, you can’t just abruptly halt when walking in a hot, sweaty crowd!

The proper etiquette for stopping in a hot, sweaty crowd to check a map, breastfeed a baby, make a phone call, take a nap, read War and Peace, etc is to move out of the main path of traffic. You should shuffle to the side and do your business on a bench.SHUFFLE TO THE SIDE.

Let’s think about it this way- would you abruptly stop while sailing 80 MPH down a freeway? Your insurance provider and I both hope that you would not. This is probably why they have exits for rest areas.

The same way a semi-truck carrying concrete blocks would slam into your Hyundai if you were to suddenly halt on the interstate, you and your entire family are going to plummet into someone’s hot, sweaty back when they come to a stop. Your face is going to plow into their damp and grimy ponytail, your hands are going to awkwardly grab some part of their salty and sticky body, and even worse, the people behind you are going to step on your heels and peel away a layer of skin with their Skechers.

And then, AND THEN, the person responsible for the pile-up of people is going to become irate and give you the evil eye and maybe even tell you to, “watch it!”. And you are going to suppress every urge within you to hit them in the face with the heavy $300 souvenir coffee mug that you just purchased.

Aside from coming to an abrupt stop, hot, sweaty crowds also expose you to people that you’d never otherwise encounter. I’m all for diversity. Wear a hot-pink flamingo hat or proudly showcase the 42-inch chain that is attached to your lip, nose ear and knee piercings.  That’s fine. You do you.

However, there is no reason on earth why you should broadcast your butt crack or breasts at an amusement park full of innocent youths. We don’t want to see that. Also, you’re probably going to suddenly stop on a pathway and the person behind you is going to rub against your hot, sweaty cheeks and grab your sticky boobs to break their fall.

And you’re likely going to get hit in the face with a heavy souvenir coffee mug.

Look, I know hot, sweaty crowds are a necessary evil when going to amusement parks.

And now I understand why Michael Jackson created Neverland in his own back yard.

He and Bubbles the Chimp were probably tired of moonwalking into someone's hot, sweaty backside.