AUSTIN, TEXAS -
A new study from the University of Texas reveals that most Americans find a picture of a woman breastfeeding as “Kinda icky,” but Kim Kardashian’s greased butt is “Pretty cool, I guess.”
The new study emerges as more and more breastfeeding women fight for the right to breastfeed in public and end the stigma attached with the practice.
“Breastfeeding is natural and if a child needs to eat, a woman shouldn’t be banished to a gross bathroom,” Certified Lactation Consultant Kim Wither, 33, said in response to the study’s new findings.
But not everyone agrees with Wither's assessment.
“The study sounds about right to me,” said Stockbroker Thomas Butters, 44. “I’m not an expert, but it’s safe to assume a woman breastfeeding in public is just doing it for attention. If I want to see sideboob, I’ll do it in the privacy of my own iPhone. Or all over my Facebook’s news feed. Or at the beach. Or walking down 6th Avenue. Or at that lady behind me wearing a low cut dress. But feeding a baby in the same vicinity as me as I try to eat my hoagie? What is wrong with people?”
The study was conducted by showing various pictures to participants of women breastfeeding mingled with pictures of half-naked celebrity selfies and magazine covers. Participants were asked to rate the photo with descriptors ranging from “Beautiful” to “Ew Gross.” Photos of women breastfeeding averaged in the "Kinda icky" range and photos of half-naked people, like Kim Kardashian's greasy butt photo, averaged out at "Pretty cool, I guess." Researcher, Dr. William Gestures says the results of his study weren’t surprising. “It’s wise to remember that we are still a very conservative society. Breastfeeding in public, even discreetly, is considered inappropriate and something a woman should do privately, preferably with a hint of shame.”
When asked if there seems to be some strange dissonance against breastfeeding mothers in a culture that has people’s half-naked bodies plastered all over social media, billboards, TV shows and the like, Dr. Gestures said, “You’re comparing the sideboob of a breastfeeding mother to the sideboob of say, 17 year old Kylie Jenner on Instagram? You're trying to compare sideboob apples and oranges. For instance, according to my results, this picture of a woman breastfeeding on a park bench was rated as “blech" and this Instagram photo of Kylie Jenner taking a sideboob selfie in a gas station mirror was rated as "schwing!" The data couldn't be more clear.”
We asked what the difference is between a breast feeding a baby and a breast of an underage celebrity famous for literally no reason at all, and Dr. Gestures replied, “If it’s not obvious to you, you can’t be helped. Science is true whether you believe in it or not.” He then pointed at his degree hanging on the wall, made his hand into the shape of a gun and said “Pew! Pew!” over and over until we had to ask him to stop.
One of the participants, who asked to remain anonymous, shared how he felt about the study’s outcome. “I don’t know what to say other than seeing a little sideboob from a woman wearing a loose tank top walking down the street is barely noticeable to me. I mean, have you seen some of the scenes in Game of Thrones? I’m pretty much immune at this point. But, the pictures of breastfeeding women? I don’t know - it just makes me feel weird things inside. I want her to get away from me as quickly as possible. Doesn’t everybody?”
Withers felt defeated, but not surprised. “I needed to breastfeed at a family picnic last Fourth of July, so my aunt recommended I cover myself and the baby in the down comforter she had in the back of her Kia. It was 80 degrees outside. While trying to feed my baby, I protested, but she just said, ‘Well how long does it take Mia to eat? And cover up your face with that comforter while you’re talking to me, honey. You’re breastfeeding, stop trying to make eye contact!’ She just doesn’t get it. Nobody gets it. Am I taking crazy pills?”
We asked Dr. Gestures if it is in fact possible Withers and people who hold her position are taking crazy pills since their views seem to be so heavily against the majority of Americans. “I don’t live with them, so I can’t attest to what pills they’re taking, but I may recommend some chill pills. I’m afraid they may be suffering from extreme denial. Breastfeeding is beautiful, natural and incredible for a child’s short and long term health. But, in public, our study has proven it ranges from “kinda icky” to “ew gross” and makes most people uncomfortable. Personally, I have the chills just thinking about it.”
Upon hearing Dr. Gestures’ response, Withers said, “Here’s a gesture for Dr. Gestures [expletive]. I’m going home to watch cat videos while stuffing my face with a bag of stale powdered donuts. I quit earth today.”
Dr. Gestures could not be reached for a response.
This is satire. Please don’t send angry tweets to Dr. Gestures.