Black Friday is more than a shopping tradition after Thanksgiving. It’s life or death. For savings. And your wallet. And your sanity. Which you’ll lose when you see a large woman in a track suit grabbing the last Xbox One whilst making eye contact with you wearing a smug smirk on her face.
Black Friday just got real.
You need a strategy to keep you sharp, but more importantly to keep you safe. You’ll find the tools you need in this survival guide. It will save your life. If your life was reduced to saving money on presents for a sacred holiday that has now become completely commercialized. But forget all that, there’s no time for politics.
It’s time to focus. Focus on surviving Black Friday.
First thing in the morning, stop by your favorite coffee shop that has opened especially early for crazy Black Friday people and buy a large, piping hot coffee.
Because you’ll be tired and craving caffeine, right?
Because coffee will be your best defense to ward off the hyenas determined to crap on your Christmas shopping list while simultaneously ripping it to shreds.
Will you be the hunter of savings or will your savings be hunted by an extreme couponer that will be more skilled and frankly more prepared than you? Your coffee will awaken your senses to the predators that are about to own you on the battlefield. Or own the things in your shopping cart. Either way, if you’re not feeling your body launch into fight or flight mode, you better check your pulse.
As if alertness wasn’t enough, your coffee will also serve as a weapon. If at any time you feel someone wishes you or your stash bodily or packaging harm, simply press your hot coffee cup against their arm or more awkwardly, their face. As they begin to sense a mild discomfort caused by the heat and your disturbing eye contact, grab your discounted item off the shelf and run like you’re being chased by the cops.
Sure, you may not be agile or fast or able to walk or move in a sumo suit, but at least you won’t be bruised by all the flying elbows, loose carts and lost old ladies.
Another perk is that if someone else shopping in the department store has read this survival guide, you won’t fall victim to the hot coffee press technique. Unless they press it on your exposed face, in which case your only defense is to just lean forward and fall on them. As they squirm under your sumo suit, grab their shopping basket, roll off of them and run like hell. It may take you several tries to actually roll however, so be prepared for there to be a lot of face to face heavy mouth breathing with your foe.
Once you successfully roll off, try to get up. Be warned, it’s harder than it looks. It might actually be impossible. Then, run towards savings. Or waddle. Or walk slowly, totally winded from all that rolling earlier. Hopefully the basket you stole is still there, but it was probably snagged by the large woman in the track suit.
Don’t let the title fool you, this tip is powerful. For this survival technique, you’ll need a Partner In Savings (PIS).
Everyone knows that Thanksgiving requires we eat until it hurts. Then, when we leave the hurt phase into the highly anticipated “I’m still full, but I might have room, but probably not” phase, we go back into the kitchen for a turkey, mashed potato, cranberry sauce (and if you’re feeling really wild, green bean casserole) sandwich, only to wash it down with pumpkin pie and Redi Whip until it hurts again.
Black Friday shoppers, unbeknownst to them, are in the middle of a Thanksgiving Feast withdrawal, and you’re about to become their dealer.
Grab a tray or a cart, either will do, and pile it high and deep with your Thanksgiving leftovers. As the turkey crack heads catch a whiff of your stuffing, they’ll drop everything and come running for another hit of the cranberry sauce. As the aisles clear, send your PIS running towards the flat screen TVs and Kindle Fires. Once they’ve loaded up on all the prized shopping items, throw the leftovers in Thanksgiving crack head's faces and run towards the checkout like a mom with a child on the brink of a meltdown!
As you shop in stores at ungodly hours, be cautioned that several employees have not only judged you for various reasons (from your manic shouting to your jogging pants), but they’re also plotting your demise. They won’t follow through with their disturbing plans, but they will enjoy imagining it as the clock moves slower than Anna and Jessi in heels. Your only defense from the deadly mind darts they’re shooting at you are beautiful flowers. Not necessarily because they will be grateful for the lovely gift, but because it will be weird and confused people are rarely capable of immediate physical harm.
As you stand in an endless line with an overflowing cart filled with discounted crap and you notice the checkout girl has a demonic twinkle to her eye, pull out the flowers to either disarm her rage or confuse her long enough to get through the checkout alive.
Pro-Tip: You can also wave the flowers around and throw them at strangers. In this way they’ll serve to create a pleasant smelling distraction, enabling you to grab the last Xbox One from the sweaty palms of the large woman wearing the track suit.
Well, there you have it. Our survival guide is probably fool proof and we hope you use the tools given to have a safe and and savings filled Black Friday.
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