Grown Up Things Kids Are Excited About Doing That Actually Suck

My daughter is eight going on eighteen. She has the backtalk and eyeroll combination down so well it’s scary. She can exude disgust with the best of them. She’s a prodigy really.  

She is so darn anxious to grow up and I am so anxious about the prospect of her growing up. One part of me wants her to stay little forever and the other part of me wants to avoid all the puberty nonsense. My daughter, of course, doesn’t have any of my anxiety about the future.  She is just looking forward to all the red carpet events and galas she will go to when she is a grown up. Clearly, she also doesn’t have an entirely realistic view of what being a grown up entails. Recently, the poor girl has learned a hard lesson that everything that she thinks will be so amazing when she grows up, isn’t necessarily so. 

When she started Kindergarten, we discovered she required glasses. Many of her friends wore glasses and she was so excited to be able to wear glasses like her friends and all the “big girls”.

Now that she’s a third grader, apparently wearing glasses is no longer in style. She recently had an eye exam and was devastated to learn that she still needs to wear them. For some reason she had it in her head that she had grown out of needing them to, I don’t know? See?  Her little heart was broken into a million tiny pieces. The emotional breakdown that ensued gave me a glimpse into what the future holds for us as she realizes that all the grown up things she is so excited about really aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.  

Just to name a few:

Braces: My daughter thinks that braces are amazing. She is hopeful that her as of now straight teeth will somehow grow more crooked so she can wear these amazing contraptions of horror on her teeth. Obviously, her father and I are not sharing in her dreams for a metal mouth. She takes rubber bracelets and puts them in her mouth pretending they are retainers. It brings back memories, I did the same thing as a kid.  But then I actually got braces. Twice. The first time didn’t work. Braces are awful; at least they were 25 years ago. The pain from the tightening, the cut lips and tongue, the difficulty cleaning food out of them. All awful. Stick with the jelly bracelets, my sweet girl.

Shaving:  My daughter cannot wait to shave her legs and keeps asking when she can start. Um, never? Not in 3rd grade, that’s for sure. Here’s the deal about shaving. It is terrible exciting at first, but quickly becomes very tedious. And you soon realize that you have to do it every day (at least in the summer) for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!  Sure, there’s waxing and lasers and creams, but the point is, once you start removing hair, you have to keep doing it. And it is not as fun as you think it will be. Trust me.

Staying up late:  I don’t know what my daughter thinks I do after she is in bed, but I guarantee it is not nearly as fun as she thinks it is. Unless she thinks doing laundry dishes, paying bills, and tidying up are a good time. Then, yes, I guess it’s a blast.
Wearing a bra:  Every time we are in Target she wanders toward the little girl undergarment department and declares that she needs a bra.  

    “For what?” I ask.

    {eye roll…. exasperated sigh} “To WEAR?”

    “Um… honey? You don’t have any boobs. Bras are for holding in (or up, in my case) boobs.”

    {more eye rolls} “I DO have boobs.  They’re just not as big and gross as yours yet.”

Oh, my sweet, eye-rolling, boob offending princess, don’t rush into bras. Bras are a pain in the ass. They are expensive, they’re not always comfortable, they can be hard to put on. They have wires! Don’t even get me started on strapless bras. I have pulled muscles in my shoulders trying to put on sports bras. Bras are not nearly as glamorous as they seem. 

I know all of these milestones will come eventually, hopefully with the exception of braces. PLEASE, NO BRACES! But for now I hope we can both just enjoy her being eight years old.  

“What’s that honey? Oh yes, eight and a HALF. No, you cannot shave tomorrow. If you roll your eyes any harder they’re going to roll out onto the floor. Love you.” 

It’s going to be a long road with this one.