Getting Close to 40: The Hairy Truth

As I am creeping nearer to 40, I have noticed the signs of my aging more and more. I have some wrinkles around my eyes, some sags where there never used to be sags, and then there is the fact that I sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies when I get out of bed with all the snaps, crackles, and pops every morning.

I haven’t found any grey hair yet, but I know that it is only a matter of time before one rears its ugly head on my aging head.  There are, however, some other interesting hair developments that I can only attribute to my maturing age.

 

1. Chin Hairs

What am I, one of the Three Little Pigs? I do not need nor want hair on my chinny-chin-chin. Yet that is exactly where I found one recently. And not only was there a hair hanging off my chin, but it was white and approximately 27 inches long. Okay, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but it was long. Like an inch! An inch-long, snow-white hair was dangling off the bottom of my chin.

I don’t even know how I came across it. I don’t think I stroke my chin regularly like some diabolical mastermind, but, for whatever reason, I was rubbing my chin and I grabbed hold of what I thought was a stray piece of my hair. My head hair. So, I pulled it and half my face went with it! That’s when I came to the horrifying discovery that I had a ridiculously long hair growing on my chin.

Which begs the question, then; exactly how long was that hair on my chin for it to grow that long? And why had I not noticed it before? And how many other people had noticed it and were actually staring at the freakishly long chin hair while I was having an innocent conversation with them? I plucked that sumbitch off with tweezers. And then showed it to my husband. He did not exhibit as much shock and awe as I, personally, thought the situation rightly deserved.

 

2. Upper Lip Hair

I mustache you a question. Do I resemble Groucho Marx? Because my upper lip seems to think I should. I don’t mess around with that pesky lip hair. I get my upper lip and eyebrows waxed every 6 weeks when I get my hair cut. Ain’t nobody got time for you, mustache! While waxing is quick and easy, it is painful. I don’t know what kind of people say that getting waxed doesn’t hurt. Those people are big, fat LIARS! Or maybe they are part lizard and have super thick skin. That shit hurts. But it’s worth it to not have to worry about food getting stuck in my mustache.

 

3. Hair Where There Should Be No Hair

I have longish, shoulder-length blond hair that falls out a lot. I sometimes find pieces of it in places on my body where it is not supposed to be. In my toes, under my arm, in my bra, between my butt cheeks. This is not an age-related issue for me, finding loose hairs has been happening for awhile. Not too long ago, though, I was washing myself in the shower and there was a hair between my cheeks again so I yanked it and OH MOTHER! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY that one was attached. I did a little investigation and discovered, to my complete horror, that there were several hairs in my anal area. Dark, coarse hairs, like the kind that stick out of old men’s noses were sticking out of my a--hole!

You guys, I don’t…. I can’t… I don’t even……

Getting old sucks.