Four Reasons Why I’d Be the First Character to Die in The Walking Dead

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My gag reflex

Like I always say, it’s hard to take someone seriously when they’re gagging. If Braveheart was leading his men into battle and then started randomly gagging, it just wouldn’t work, you know? In that vein, I’m quite certain no one would ever take me seriously in a zombie apocalypse. Not a single person would be like, “Wow, she’s a real badass. We should keep her in our group, she’s so valuable!” Why? Because I’d be off in a corner gagging saying things like, “I’m okay guys *gag* no seriously *gag* I’ll be fine *gag* can you maybe get that pile of dead bodies out of here before I throw up *gag*?”

The smell of a dead mouse could have me gagging into next Tuesday, how am I supposed to “clear out” a pharmacy full of Zombies and corpses? No, no - I’m pretty sure I’d be the one my group would “accidentally” leave behind. 

 

I’m a terrible shot when panicking

To be honest, I actually suck at a lot of things when I’m panicking. I’ve never shot an actual gun before, but I have played paintball and I can tell you that when under pressure, I just spray the paint bullets and scream. I hit a friend right in the shoulder as he was hiding in a tree - not because I knew he was in the tree, but a squirrel scared me and I went into full blown panic mode. 

If I was in Rick’s group, I may feel real tough with a semi-automatic on my shoulder. I may even practice shooting and do a good job. But when the herd of zombies start coming towards me, everyone hit the freaking deck because bullets are flying at really nothing in particular. Sure, I’d hit some zombies, but I’d probably take out my entire group as well. I’m guessing at some point they’d pick up on this and yet again, “accidentally” leave me behind.

 

I’d never find badass clothes my size

Despite their trials, the characters in The Walking Dead are always lucky enough to find some badass clothes that fit perfectly. While someone like Maggie would be wearing a perfectly fitted henley shirt with awesome skinny jeans, kick ass boots and weapons all lined up on her belt, I’d be the one wearing an oversized t-shirt with Tweety Bird on it found in a Wal-Mart dumpster. I’m sure I’d find a pair of teal elastic wind pants at an abandoned house to pair with the Nike slides I was wearing when the apocalypse hit. After almost getting my toe bit by a zombie, I’d have to swap out my slides for an oversized pair of men’s loafers at our next stop into town. No one would have an extra weapons belt so I’d have to keep a kitchen knife in a my bra. 

I’d be less badass and more sorryass, to be honest.

Every time we had to run, I’d be schlepping around in my loafers screaming, “Wait up guys!” If I did manage to make it out of a sticky situation, I’d be so busy complaining about the chaffing occurring in my inner thighs I’d barely notice the group devising a plan to run the next time I go behind a tree to pee.

 

How am I supposed to change a tampon in zombie infested woods?

I’d like the writers of The Walking Dead to acknowledge a frightening truth - the women in the camp will at some point need some damn tampons. I know, they need to keep the storyline going, but this is a detail that would definitely get me killed, probably in the first episode.

First of all, fighting Zombie’s with my kind of cramps is just way to much to ask. I would hope everyone would understand this and let me lay in the back of locked car in the fetal position until they were able to clear out a herd. Second of all, how am I supposed to change a tampon in zombie infested woods? There’s no doubt in my mind that this kind of humiliating situation is how I would meet my demise.

We’d all be walking in the road or something and I’d be like, “Hey guys, hold up. I gotta swap out my “business.” Don’t look at me like that Daryl, you try being a woman!” I’d leave to go behind a tree, pull out the one super plus I have left out of my bra (next to the kitchen knife), then get caught by a few Walkers. BAM! Dead. In a future episode, I’d be one of the zombies still holding a super plus. It’s not fair, but this is my life.

So, I guess all this to say - if we find ourselves in a zombie apocalypse, you wants to be in my group?