We see them everyday. Facebook posts that elicit the eye roll as we scroll, which leads us to mentally debate unfriending a few of the culprits, but never do. And let’s be honest, we probably never will. There’s a block option for those that truly irritate us, so the majority of the time, our threats to unfriend are idle at best, because whether or not we admit it, these are the posts that feed the need to occasionally roll our eyes through the tops of our heads. We’re all guilty of these at one point or another, so let’s just go ahead and address the elephant in the room and point out the posts we love to hate:
You’re having a great hair day. We get it. So stop captioning it, ‘Bedhead!’ We all know you think you look amazing. If you’re gonna post it, own it. And if you’re over the age of 18, stop it.
The copying and pasting of Facebook copyright declarations.
Don’t be sheep. Do some research.
Having relationship troubles? Believe it or not, your passive aggressive memes aren’t helpful.
Vague status updates
Spill it. You know you want to.
Any use of the word Drama
If you feel the need to make a status update about your dislike of drama, you are part of the problem.
Threats of leaving Facebook
I’m disappointed to see you go. I’m more disappointed when you don’t follow through and return the next day. And you never follow through. And you always return the next day. Refer back to drama.
What started out as a legitimate way to help others in need has become the Facebook version of the lottery. So if you’re really wanting that dream honeymoon you feel so entitled to, go fund yourself.
Yes, you do look awesome in that picture you tagged me in. So don’t even worry that I’m slouched over the buffet table cramming a giant brownie into my mouth.
Big news spreaders
Kudos to you for posting about their baby’s birth before they did. I’m sure you just saved them the trouble of announcing their own exciting news.
Animal prayer requests
Not that God doesn’t care about all creatures big and small, but no, I will not keep the family of Cecil the Lion in my prayers.
“Share this and you’ll receive money within 24 hours.”
Seriously. Stop. I wanna be able to respect you.
Hourly updates on anything
Maybe you could wait until the end of the day and post one big update on how your trip to the mall unfolded.
What if…just maybe…I have that season finale dvr’d with the hopes of watching it later? But hey, reading your post about who won Big Brother was way more exciting than watching it myself.
Here’s something to consider. I’m either watching the game, plan to watch the game, or I don’t care about the game. Either way, a minute-by-minute play-by-play of what’s happening at the game seems unnecessary. How ‘bout you just sit and enjoy it? Live in the moment, man.
Have an awesome recipe to share? Cool. Post a picture of everything you eat? You’re destroying my diet 3-5 times per day. Not cool.
You ran 10 miles. Again. Same as yesterday. Sweet. Me? Yep, still sittin here not movin’. Thanks for your daily dose of guilt and self-loathing.
You have an opinion. I have an opinion. The amount of times reading your opinion has changed my opinion? Oh, I don’t know…zero?
Automatic link shares
While I totally appreciate you spreading the word about a missing child, if you could just click the link and read it first, you might discover that article was from September 2009 and he was found safe and sound 3 hours later. But thanks for causing panic amongst the local moms again.
Gruesome pictures and/or videos
Animals, women, children, people…anything that’s been hurt, abused, killed…NO.NO.NO.NO.
English Class drop outs
the updates that go on and on and on and you cant even under. stand any thing it says because punktuation is a 4-eign concept accept for X-clamation points that they use to many of and thay abbrevia8e and theirs theres and theyres are all wrong and things r miss pelled and arent caPitalized write and u want two let lose and screem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just corrected everything in the above paragraph and you're completely stressed out right now…hell, my blood pressure’s spiked just typing that.
Game request senders
3 strikes and you freaks are OUT.
The people who crap all over a humorous post by taking it seriously.
So. To anyone tempted to rip me apart in the comments over this…you peeps are my nightmare.