The women in the Kardashian family, including teens Kylie and Kendall Jenner, are gracing the cover of November’s issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. The media is captivated by the exclusive cover of the family, but it’s being reported that exhausted mothers across America couldn’t give two shits.
“Um, I think there may by literally nothing I care less about than the Kardashians appearing on another magazine cover,” said Laura Jenkins, exhausted mother of 4. “To be honest, I’m confused why they keep happening to America.”
Exhausted mother of 2, Sherry White said, “What? The Kardashians? What about them? They’re on the cover of Cosmo? The magazine I read in my twenties when I thought the only important thing in the world is 'pleasing my man?' Stop wasting my time with that mess, my kid just crapped his pants.”
Another exhausted mother of 3, Tamara Zin, was apathetic on one hand and completely irate on the other. “Cosmo called them ‘America’s First Family?’ So, Michelle Obama and her kids are suddenly less relevant than a rich family with impressively huge butts and lip injections? For the sweet love of Diana Ross, our nation needs group therapy.”
The Surveyors of America Association conducted a formal survey and discovered the only people who give a shit about the Kardashians gracing the magazine’s cover are college students at 59%, teens at 49% and people who desperately need hobbies at 35%. Exhausted mothers ranked lowest, below 1%, just under horny, middle aged single men at 3%.
“I’m not at all surprised by the data,” said Dr. Carol Jones, exhausted mother of 3. “Exhausted mothers are literally spending every day keeping injury prone, freakishly loud and chronically sticky tiny humans alive. Then in the small sliver of time they get for themselves, they pursue their gifts and passions. We have zero, I mean zero effs to give Kylie Jenner’s bikini selfie on Instagram. Lookin’ at you, Huffington Post Entertainment.”
Yet despite no one caring, the celebrity cover continues to receive buzz in the media.
“You want to know if I care? I’m currently teaching my baby to stop biting while breastfeeding,” said White. “That should answer your question for you. I’d rather wipe my butt with that article than read it. Now if you’ll excuse me, my husband’s doing the laundry and I think he just put my favorite cami in the dryer and it needs to be air dried! Oh God, I wear it everyday! Gotta run!”
This post is satire. If you're an exhausted mother who cares deeply about this cover, please take comfort that it's all jokes.