Pictured above: Juniper Graham, woman forced to choose between skinny jeans and UTI.
Chicago, Illinois—Employees at Lake Shore Urology were on the verge of tears earlier this week as Juniper Graham, 24, rushed out of the lobby in a state of anguish and heartbreak. The source of her excruciating, month-long urinary tract infection had finally been determined, and it was none other than Juniper’s most beloved wardrobe staple—the skinny jean.
“She seems like such a nice, young hipster,” said on-site medical transcriptionist Michelle Ward, 55, dabbing at the corner of her eye with a cheap, scratchy, doctor’s-office-grade tissue. “I just hate that this has happened to her.”
Receptionist Jackie Kowalski, 43, was also choked up. “This stained, six-month-old edition of Vogue I found in the waiting area says that skinny jeans are out of fashion, but Juniper wears them just the same, and she always makes them look good. She has legs for days. That’s still a thing people say, right?”
Juniper first contacted Lake Shore Urology after several weeks of bladder pain, urinary discomfort, and agonizing casual sex with local barista Beckett Thomas. “She was in absolute misery,” he commented, adjusting his man bun. “She eventually started turning down my 2 a.m. booty calls. Even when I would thoughtfully offer to stop by the 24-hour CVS and pick up some Azo on my way over.”
Beckett shook his head sadly, then picked off some of his chipped nail polish and flicked it onto the floor.
Dr. Jonas Salt, head urologist at the practice, initially diagnosed Juniper with a run-of-the-mill UTI and prescribed a course of antibiotics. But the medicine proved ineffective, and follow-up visits with Dr. Salt yielded no new information, and certainly no relief.
It wasn’t until after Juniper’s third visit that Dr. Salt’s attending nurse, Scott Blauhaus, suggested that Juniper’s fashion choices might be the problem.
“As far as I could tell, Miss Graham never went a DAY without skinny jeans,” said Blauhaus. “We would palpate her abdomen, and there would be these brutal indentations in her flesh from the super-high waistbands.” He lowered his voice and said: “To be honest, I have no idea what she’s thinking. Skinny jeans are not the look. Pick up a Vogue once in a while, bitch.”
Blauhaus passed this speculation on to Dr. Salt, and further investigation revealed that Juniper’s skinny jeans were indeed to blame for her symptoms, causing irritation of the urinary tract, restricting circulation, and providing a warm, cozy place for germs to thrive. But when the doctor suggested a course of treatment involving more breathable pants, Juniper burst into tears.
“Dr. Salt keeps telling me that my skinny jeans are putting pressure on my bladder, causing painful inflammation, and enabling harmful bacteria to cultivate. But what else am I supposed to wear with my extensive collection of Tieks?” she sobbed.
“Her assortment of Tieks is very impressive,” verified Juniper’s mother by phone interview. “It cost her father and I a fuck-ton of money.”
As of the time of this writing, Juniper has not committed one way or another to a course of treatment that would require ditching her skinnies. “I do feel awful,” she admitted. “I’m tired, everything hurts, and it feels like I’m pissing razor blades.” She sighed. “It’s just that . . . well, I don’t honestly know if I have the time or the energy to adopt a whole new look.”
In unrelated news, a wave of rolling eyeballs was reported all over the city.
HaHas for HooHas is a satirical website. Photo via George Hodan.