Dear Healthy Shopper Lady

Dear Healthy Shopper Lady,

I consider myself a fairly healthy person. Sure, I have some weight to lose but who doesn't, right? I do most of my shopping on the outer part of the store (produce, deli, etc) and try not to keep junk food in the house. I like to feel guilt-free when I put my items on that conveyer belt and hope I'm inspiring others in line behind me to replace their processed crap with organic crap instead. I wish it wasn't true, but I enjoy the fact that my healthy purchases make others feel guilty. If that makes me less of a person, then so be it.

I had to do a late night grocery run for the week and loaded up the cart with the items on my list (and a few other essentials). Then, as I got in line to check out, somehow everything in my cart transformed into unhealthy, preservative-filled garbage ... and I blame YOU.

 The first thing I noticed in your cart was the insane amount of small clear bags containing, what I can only assume, are illegal drugs in the form of healthy seeds, nuts, grains, and spices. Some of these bags contained less than an ounce of product. (Seriously, what is this stuff?!) I noticed an extremely small bag of granola -- it's not even a proper serving size! What are you going to do with that? Then came the peppercorns...about two cups of peppercorns. The other things were unrecognizable and left me scratching my head as I tried to hide the Ding Dong's behind the bananas without raising suspicion.

Your Cart

Bags of unrecognizable grains, seed, and nuts.

Organic, soy-free, dairy-free "milk"

A gallon of white vinegar to clean her home.

Organic granola - approximately 1/2 cup

A "treat" of carob chips and pumpkin seeds

Bird seed in the shape of a loaf.

Recyclable bags


My Cart

Bags of goldfish crackers. Plural.

One gallon of whole milk. Chocolate.

Whichever bread costs 3 for $5

One package of Ding Dong's.  

Chemicals in shiny bottles with fun logos

Box of Apple Jacks

After the drugs...err, seeds...came three types of dairy-free milk -- none of which were chocolate, go figure.

Then, there's your bread. Or, as I like to call it, bird seed formed into the shape of a loaf. Seriously, do you have children? Do they try to kill you in your sleep for making them eat that?

There were fruits, vegetables (mostly things I had never seen before), and a five-gallon jug of white vinegar. To be honest, the whole thing reeked of "bomb" to me, but whatever. Nobody else seemed worried so I didn't cause a panic.

And, of course, because you're responsible and eco-friendly, you brought your own bags. I have reusable bags too...they're just in the back of my minivan under the really old bottles of water I keep for emergencies. Like a drought or something.

But then I noticed more bags. LOTS of plastic, chemically composed grocery bags sitting in the bottom of your cart. You shamefully showed them to the cashier, your face covered in guilt, and went on to explain how, one day, when you were ill-prepared, you finished her shopping only to realize you had forgotten your own, recyclable bags. The horror!  I wanted to feel bad for you as it really seemed to make you feel like a bad human for not caring enough to remember an important detail like this. But then you asked if there was a place to return old plastic bags and proceeded to recycle the bags and relieve yourself of any shame looming over you. I for one, use my bags to hold poopy diapers when one of my kids has a blowout on the road. So take that, organic-hemp-recycling grocery store lady.

As all of this was taking place, I unloaded my bananas, broccoli, mushrooms, chicken breasts, and sunflower seeds onto the belt -- and used my body to shield you from the Ding Dong's, Ho Ho's, goldfish, chocolate milk, non-seedy bread, and cleaning chemicals.

You left the store (finally!) and I was able to unload everything else on the conveyer belt without fear of shame. And then I noticed it -- the couple in line behind me unloading their six pack of beer and freezer meals for the week.

Oh, good grief. They really should take better care of themselves.

Thanks for keeping the cycle going, lady.


Sincerely Yours,