Crazy Sh-- My Kids Have Said

We all know kids say crazy stuff. There are television shows about all the darn things they say. My own sweet cherubs are no exception. The following are some of the most memorable stories, mainly because they make me look like an exceptionally crappy parent:


~I was with my daughter when she was four years old.  We had spent the day at an amusement park with the family and the two of us were taking a break on a bench eating a snack. She was eating some jellybeans and watching people go by. She loudly announced "there are a lot of people here!", and in the same breath "I don't like the black ones." I knew she was talking about the jellybeans, but no one else did.


~When my oldest was two, everything had to be a race. Who could get downstairs fastest? Who could make it to the car first? Etcetera. One Sunday we were at church and the kid was being a little shit. He was acting up, screaming, yelling ‘NO’, you know, all things you love your kids to do while the choir is singing “On Eagles’ Wings”. People around us were watching his unfolding temper tantrum fit. I decided to take him out of church and whispered to him we were going out. He took off running down the center aisle and yelled “Mom! Are you going to beat me?” He thought we were racing. The rest of the congregation thought I was going to abuse my child. Good times.


~We were at a pizza place with my parents and brothers. My daughter was about two and I had given her my phone to play on ‘Talking Tom’ while we waited for our food. If you are not familiar with ‘Talking Tom’, it is an app that has a cat named Tom who repeats whatever you say in a high pitched voice. Apparently Satan was the app designer. Kids love it. My daughter had a high-pitched voice already when she was two, so Talking Tom was VERY high pitched when he repeated her words. She had dropped a set of silverware on the floor and loudly asked “Where’s my fork and knife?” Only she couldn’t say her “r’s”. She had turned my phone volume up as high as it could go. Talking Tom screamed to the entire restaurant in a very loud, very high voice “WHERE’S MY FOKE-N KNIFE!?!?” Say that aloud to yourself and you’ll hear why I was mortified. But also slightly amused. I’m sure the restaurant patrons around us were not nearly as amused.


~Or there was every second of every day last summer when my 4 year old sang “Uptown Funk” everywhere we went. Except he could not say “funk”. He sang “Uptown, fuck you up, uptown fuck you up”. Loudly. The little old ladies at the grocery store loved that.


~My daughter was showing me a book when she was about two. We were at Target and she was sitting in the cart. She pointed at the book. "See these girls? They are dumb as shit". Um, excuse me?? She actually said "See dese girls? Dey are da magic", whatever the heck that means, but I'm sure I was the only one in the crowded store who could decipher her little language. Everyone else thought I was the parent of a two year old who called girls “dumb as shit”.


~The same sweet angel was shopping with me again when she was four. This time at a WalMart. I was looking in the craft aisle and she yelled from the other end “Mom! Look! I'm a HOOKER!!” She had a knitting needle and was hooking it on string.  An elderly lady came into the aisle and started looking at knitting needles as well. My dear daughter looked at her and asked "Are you a hooker, too?” I walked away and acted like I didn’t know her. Was that wrong?

I’m sure there are many more stories of crazy shit my kids have said that almost resulted in a call to Child Protective Services, but I can't remember them all. The ones I do remember, while horrifying at the time, are pretty humorous now. Isn't that what kids are for? To keep us on our toes and entertained?

My children certainly do that. How about yours?