As we're walking into the OBGYN office for check-up and follow-up ultrasound ...
Husband: It looks like you’re in the waddling stage now.
Me: Excuse me?
Husband: You’re at the stage of pregnancy where instead of walking forward, you’re walking side to side, like a waddle.
Me: My “excuse me” was more from indignation and less from the need of an explanation, thanks.
Husband: That would be a hilarious eCard, “I see you’re waddling instead of walking,” with a picture of a pregnant woman or something. You know, something like that - it may need a little work.
Me: *blink blink*
Husband: It wasn’t that bad.
Me: Honey, let’s just leave the comedy to the professionals. Holy crap, my butt. MY BUTT.
Husband: What’s wrong with your butt? Why are you dragging your leg?
Me: It’s my right butt cheek. It locked up on me. It’s locked up!
Husband: Your butt’s locked up?
Me: Yes, my butt’s locked up! I can’t move it at all ::drags club leg across the room:: Oh god, no. It’s spread to the other one. It’s like a Charley horse in both butt cheeks, I can’t move!
Husband: Here, just sit down.
Me: ::in a hushed angry voice so as not to cause a scene:: I can’t sit back down! My glutes are frozen solid!
Husband: Try to ease on down like a plank. Let me help.
Me: Ow, ow, owwwwww. Ok, I got this. I got this. No I don’t. No I don’t!
Husband: Ok, you’re sitting. Better?
Me: Well, I’m like a door lying against a chair, but it’s something.
Husband: It’ll relax in a second, just take deep breaths.
Me: I was warned about a lot of things. Sideburns. Cankles. Jowels. Hemorrhoids. No one warned me about Charley horses in my butt cheeks.
Husband: It has to be from all the moving we’ve been doing. They’re just sore and sensitive from all that work while carrying the baby.
Me: I guess so. I bet when we see that ultrasound today she totally looks like you. I’m over here apparently waddling around town with two club legs from locked up glutes and she’s not even going to look like me. She’ll be a mini-Rob and people will ask who me who the mother is. What a load of crap.
Husband: Wow, quick topic change. Well, I can only assume you’re kidding, but your tone sounds oddly serious. Anyway - ultrasound pics are way too weird to tell what she actually looks like and babies change like crazy as they grow. I’m sure she’ll be an adorable mixture of us both. Just wait and see.