Husband: I'm exhausted. The baby has kept me up two nights in a row.
Me: Bruno? Our dog? What was he doing?
Husband: No, the baby.
Me: The baby in my belly?
Husband: Yeah, you've had your stomach up against my back and I can feel her kicking and moving.
Me: Really!? That's so cute! I can't believe you can feel it!
Husband: I thought it was cute too, for the first 20 minutes. Then it never stopped and I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know how you sleep so peacefully through the night.
Me: Um. I'm 8 months pregnant. You think I'm sleeping peacefully?
Husband: Well, while I was up you were asleep, so ...
Me: Uh, no - I felt her. And I also felt aching hips as I toss back and forth every 30 minutes because my legs felt like giant clubs trying to detach from my body.
Husband: You roll over every thirty minutes?
Me: Yes. And because we have a tempurpedic, I get stuck in my body's groove so it's like trying to lift a sumo wrestler out of a mud pit just to freaking roll over. It's so weird you don't know that. Could it be because you're sleeping peacefully?
Husband: Listen, there's no need to compete here. Let's just agree that your pregnancy is keeping us both up at night.
Me: I will never agree to that crap.
Husband: Well, agree to disagree I guess.
Me: No, I refuse to agree to disagree. You can't say you're sleeping just as terribly as your desperately pregnant wife because the baby in her womb tapped your back a few times. I have hemorrhoids for cripes sake!
Husband: Don't remind me, please. Oh god, now I'm visualizing them.
Me: My hemorrhoids? Good. I hope they haunt your dreams. They're hideous.
Husband: "They're"? How many do you have?
Me: I have no idea. It's not like we're all sitting around a campfire talking about our feelings. All I know is that I used to laugh at the people in Preparation H commercials and karma has come for me ten fold.
Husband: I need an exit strategy out of this conversation.
Me: Agree you sleep better and I'll stop reminding you of my hemorrhoids. Until I get another flair up - then anything goes. I can't keep that kind of nightmare to myself.
Husband: She was like the drummer of Metallica on my back - for hours. I just can't admit to lies.
Me: Really? We're sticking to the story that our baby in utero is pummeling you so much, you have insomnia? I don't even know how you sleep at night.
Husband: I don't. Remember?
Me: *leaves the room*