Husband: Where did the cheese and caramel popcorn go?
Me: I emotionally ate the rest of it last night after a long day of a teething Lucy.
Husband: Great. There's seriously nothing to eat in this house.
Me: If by "nothing" you mean "nothing deliciously premade just sitting in the fridge ready for you to eat," then yeah, I guess.
Husband: What am I supposed to do, squirt ketchup on a plate and eat it?
Me: Or ... make yourself a sandwich? Having to make yourself something to eat isn't the same as not having anything to eat. Am I taking crazy pills?
Husband: Well, can you make it for me? I can't make it good like you do.
Me: You can't put mayo and mustard on bread, then put slices of ham and cheese on bread, then put the bread together to make a sandwich? Sure you can, I believe in you babe.
Husband: I sense your sarcasm, but it's all about ratios! It never tastes nearly as good when I make it.
Me: Not with that attitude.
Husband: Ok, fine. Maybe I'll make a Panini. Where is the Panini thingie?
Me: In the lower cupboard to the right of the stove.
Husband: How do I make a Panini in it?
Me: Turn it on. When the red light turns green, put the sandwich in it.
Husband: Don't I need to butter the outside of the bread?
Me: I would.
Husband: Why didn't you tell me that?
Me: Because I'm writing! I have deadlines, sir.
Husband: How much cheese should I use?
Me: OH MY GOD MOVE! I'll make it.
Husband: Ok, thank you babe.
::Makes Panini (a very delicious one, might I add)::
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: Watching the basketball game. It's March Madness, a lot of good games are on today.
Me: So instead of getting my writing done, I'm in here making you the best Panini of your life while you're watching a basketball game? You should be making me a Panini!
Husband: Uh, well I mean ... what?
Me: You owe me.
Husband: May I offer you a sensual massage later?
Me: I call your sensual massage and I raise you a "play with my hair while we binge on the last season of House of Cards after Lucy goes to sleep."
Husband: Oddly specific and not nearly as appealing.
Me: Do you want your Panini or not?
Me: Here's your sandwich. I'll meet you at the couch. 8 o'clock.