Beyoncé’s Secret Revealed!

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LOS ANGELES, CA 

Multiple sources confirmed today the surprising discovery that Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, former lead singer of Destiny’s Child, is a time traveler.

Fans and others less evolved have long wondered how the Grammy winner got to be so consistently amazeballs. In fact, there’s a well-known Internet meme, an inspiring slap in the face for regular women, that says: “Beyoncé has as many hours in the day as you do.”

Turns out, no. She has a wormhole.

Sources close to the artist have revealed that several years ago, the pop sensation was singing, dancing, and just generally working it in the shower when her voice reached a superhuman frequency that ripped a hole in the fabric of the universe. That day her slammin’ voice and body didn’t just summon boys but a rift in space and time to the yard, or, more accurately, the place where her towel warmer used to stand.

Since then the artist has been able to pack more time into her day than regular mortals, and clearly she uses her unprecedented access to the fourth dimension like the queen she is.

Take heed, women of the world, Beyoncé’s not using the wormhole to sit on the couch watching Sally Jessy, a pile of unfolded laundry next to her crumb-laden thighs. She’s working out with her trainer, recording hits, meeting with producers and presidents, spending quality time with Blue Ivy, AND folding the damn laundry, proving it’s not just having your very own wormhole, it’s how you use it.

So next time that meme scrolls up your newsfeed and you’re tempted to chalk up her achievements to money, access to help, or her ineffable Beyoncéness, don’t feel bad. Remember, some of her awesome can be attributed to a portal through time.

We tried to reach the Fierce one for comment, but a spokesperson said she was unavailable, reportedly laying down tracks with Etta James, Janis Joplin, and Cleopatra.