Some of the Best Parenting Tweets of All Time

The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets” is a new collection of hundreds of  comic Tweets by funny people who also happen to be parents.  Are you a parent who can use a good laugh? Check out this sampling of the book’s wit, wisdom and wisecracks:

 

4yo said he went potty, and I asked if it was Number 1 or 2. He said Number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.  (@TheAlexNevil)

 

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would definitely eat a girl and a little dog. (@Cheeseboy22)

 

Me: "Do you know why I took your toy away?"

5yo: "You don’t know?"

 (@TheAlexNevil)

 

Mommy Milk Factory has officially closed down. Owner thanks her two loyal customers. Equipment will now be used for display purposes. (@MarleBean)

 

In a dinner discussion about what we should grow if we had a garden, my 4yo suggested “some balls.” (@FunnyIsFamily)

 

5yo: "What’s a cannibal?"

Me:  "A person who eats another person."

5yo’s eyes widen with horror.

Me:  "You said cannonball, didn’t ya."  

(@CrazyExhaustion)

 

The 4yo saw picture of me pregnant. I explained that she was inside me. She thought about it for a bit, then said, “I never want to do that again.”  (@ZoeVsUniverse)

 

“This is a funny necklace!”

- 3yo with my thong around her neck.

(@FunnyIsFamily)

 

"No. Honey. The deer is just sleeping. They tied him down so he wouldn’t fall off the top of their Ford Explorer." (@LindaInDisguise)

 

The dream is sleeping in on Sunday, the reality is that the sibling rivalry cage match happening in the living room needs a referee. (@SimonCHolland)

 

Boy tattling on his sister: “MOMMY! She poked my eyeballs out!”

Me: "If I go down there and his eyes are still in his head, I’m gonna be pissed."

(@QuestionableCIP)

 

I can’t find my kid’s birth certificate, but I apparently saved one for every Build-A Bear we own in a special file because I’m insane.

(@StellaGMaddox)

 

Me: "Put on a hat so we can leave for school."

3yo: "I don’t need a hat; my brain is warm."

Me: "My brain is fried and I’m wearing one."

3yo: *puts on hat*

(@OutsmartedMommy)

 

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

(@BradBroaddus)

 

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.” (@Cheeseboy22)

 

It gets awkward when we’re in line at the grocery store and my 4yo son says, “So how many penises are in our family?” (@YuviZalkow)

 

I learned a lot during tonight’s Family Nerf Gun War. For example, I WILL sacrifice my daughter to get a clear shot at my husband. (@MaughamMom)

 

At the store:

Me: "We need to put all the toys back now, so people can buy them."

2yo: "I’m people."

(@MCarisa)

 

7yo just stomped out yelling, “Download me a new book!”

New tantrums for a new generation.

(@AlfaGeeek)