Well, I survived my first week with a newborn and I have the nipple scars to show for it. I think there should be a medal handed out to new parents. I'm certain we experience the same sleep deprivation the Navy Seals undergo during their training. Except when their training is complete, they're awarded the prestige of a Navy Seal. After our training, our child's school asks us to volunteer for a bake sale 6 days a week. Maybe that's a horrible comparison. Whatever, I'm sleep deprived.
I call this special phase in my life "The Walking Boob" stage. My day is centered around my boobs. And if I'm being honest, I think my baby is objectifying me for my boobs. But behind these giant buoys is a woman. Me. I have thoughts and feelings, fears and dreams - just like everyone else.
But enough about that injustice. I've noticed while breastfeeding a newborn around the clock that it's creating a Tourette's like tick where I stutter the same phrases and sentences over and over again. Here are 10 things I tend to blurt out most often:
1) Mommy loves you so much, you are my DON'T BITE DON'T BITE DON'T BITE!!
2) Oh, so we're mad now? This isn't like putting your mouth under a soft serve machine. Work for it!
3) I'm not a 3 AM pacifier fix, my love. I'm a human being. With feelings. And raw nipples.
4) That's not my nipple. OW, OW, OW, to the left! It's on the left!
5) Please tell me you're not hungry again. Please, I beg you. How? Why? ::softly cries::
6) Even though you're wrecking my nipple right now, you're still the most precious baby in the DON'T BITE DON'T BITE DON'T BITE!
7) Eating and pooping at he same time? Just like Daddy ...
8) Are you getting smothered? Wait. Are you breathing? OH GOD ARE YOU BREATHING?! Ok, yeah, you're breathing. Sorry.
9) Mommy wants to kiss your chubby cheeks, but she can't reach you over her giant freak boobs.
10) I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second, lock up when you're done.