DEAR CLEANING LADY:
I’ve been down in the dumps because I can’t find a good man. Do you have any advice that you could share with me?
~Dateless in Dayton
Of course I do, sweetheart! Just let me finish scrubbing the exploded leftover Indian food out of your microwave.
There. All done.
Okay. Advice. Well, when on the hunt for a good man, it is very important to look for one who doesn’t get his pubes ALL OVER EVERY SURFACE OF EVERY BATHROOM. I know this might sound incredibly trivial, but trust me, it isn’t. Someone is going to have to spend hours wiping those crotch spiders off the bathroom floors, the shower walls, and the toilet seats—although, let’s face it, that person will probably be me. Still, one day it might end up being you, and believe me, you don’t want to risk that. Take it from a cleaning lady.
Speaking of cleaning, I’m just going to Swiffer this kitchen floor while we talk. I can see crumbs from here to Timbuktu!
Oh! Another useful bit of advice! When searching for the man of your dreams, be sure to avoid avid big fans of the “boy’s night out.” Those guys make such a MESS when they get home! They knock things over, leave their clothes all over the kitchen floor, and what’s worse, they pee everywhere. After last call with the fellas from work, your man will be lucky to make it to the bathroom and piss all over the floor until he hits the toilet. If he’s unlucky, you’ll be stripping down the bedsheets at 4 a.m., washing an entire hamper’s worth of urine-soaked laundry, and digging the WORLD’S BIGGEST CLUMP out of your cat’s litter box. None of those things are any fun to deal with. I know these things. I’m a cleaning lady.
Wait a minute—where is that extension wand? I’m going to need it to get those cobwebs out of the corners. Never mind, I see it.
My final piece of advice? When looking for love, a man with no children is a MUST. I love children as much as the next woman, but seriously? Kids cannot be more disgusting. Unless you have an inclination towards cleaning spaghetti puke out of carpet, scrubbing “washable” marker off of your couch cushions, and picking up ten thousand dirty socks a day, children have got to be a deal breaker. DEAL. BREAKER. And trust me, it’s no better if they’re teenagers. The ten thousand dirty socks just become ten thousand even DIRTIER socks, if you know what I mean. I come across this stuff all the time. Because cleaning lady.
Well, sweetheart, I think those are my best tips for landing yourself a good man. Now go update your match.com profile while I dust the ceiling fans and the books you never read.
Your Cleaning Lady