It's true. I'm leaving my beautiful loft apartment. It's not the most baby friendly place to live, so we're moving somewhere that is. As you can guess, this means my pregnant ass has been packing. Something I've been doing for the last four days. And I'm over it. Way, way over it.
Here are some completely factual observations proven by science about packing:
You will underestimate how much it will suck. By a lot.
Every time I move, I think it won’t be that big of a deal. “This is only a 2 bedroom, how bad can it be? Maybe some clothes, maybe a few books. Pack up the computer. What’s the big whoop?”
How quickly we forget all the drawers, filled with tons of crap. And closets filled with tons of crap. And cabinets filled with tons of crap. EVERYTHING IS FILLED WITH TONS OF CRAP!
Junk drawers are the freaking worst.
I loathe junk drawers. Seriously, I loathe them. They’re filled with things you don’t need, but actually kind of need at the same time. An old tin of Altoids, for instance. How do you pack Altoids? Where do you pack it, exactly - in with the dish towels? Throw it in one of your purses?
Random ear phones that went missing 2 years ago. Hmmm. I’ll just put this in the extra large box because I have no clue where else to put it right now. Here are some coupons, sweet! Oh, they expired 4 years ago - trash it. Here’s a screw in a tiny bag. Toss it - but wait - it looks like it went to something important. Bah! Here’s a button - I think it goes to my a cardigan I stopped wearing three years ago. I'll keep it. Neosporin that looks empty, but there’s probably one good dollop left in it. I’ll just put this on the counter until I can make a medicine box. Oh, look - random aspirin pills out of the bottle. Batteries. Do these even work? Can I throw these away? I should recycle them. I don’t have freaking time to recycle batteries. And pennies, so many freaking pennies! I want to throw them away, but that’s illegal - I’ll just um ... I FREAKING HATE THIS DRAWER.
You’ll assume your clothes will take up a box or two. They’ll take up 6.
I took two huge boxes into the bedroom with me like a naive fool. Surely I could stuff an entire closet full of clothes into these boxes. I knew quickly that was a stupid assumption when just my v-neck tees alone took up half the damn box.
Then there’s emptying the chest of drawers. I’m always shocked by how many random t-shirts I own. You know, the free shirts you get at events? I found one that said the “O’Conner Reunion” and I’m not related to an O’Conner by blood or by law. But, I’ll pack it anyway, because it looks comfortable and I like sleeping comfortably. Also, because I'm a hoarder, but only of clothes. It's weird. I need my own show.
You thought you had kept a clean home all these years. You were living a filthy lie.
All these years, I thought I kept a pretty clean home. False. I’ve been living in squalor. Even though I thoroughly deep cleaned everything just three months ago, once I started to pull furniture away from the walls, it was like stumbling upon a mossy forest. Except the forest is behind my bed and the moss is my hair balls. Then, deep in my closest I started to pull out some boots I still really like, but haven’t worn in awhile. I was shocked. Who am I, Ms. Havisham from Great Expectations? They were covered in dust an inch thick as if they were hidden in some attic since 1902.
Dirt and filth will start to emerge from the most unforeseen places like corpses rising from the dead. How long has the disgusting one inch crack between the fridge and the counter been there? Since the beginning of time? What the hell is that, a shriveled blueberry? HOW HAVE I BEEN LIVING LIKE THIS?!
You’ll have frequent arguments with spouses about whether to keep, donate or trash items you both forgot even existed.
Rob probably discovered more things in the trash and donate pile than he probably liked, but in my defense, somewhere in the constitution I’m pretty sure it says, “Thee who spends way more time packing than you has thus been given the authority to give away the crap you forgot even existed if she finds it suitable.”
Granted, I’m not tossing out his keepsakes, but there are certain things that manage to get moved with you throughout your entire marriage because no one has the balls to throw it away. The cycle stops here! I’m lookin’ at you, box of Texas Longhorn sports cards that still has the wrapping on it and no one even knows where you came from or what’s inside of you. It’s time to collect dust at The Salvation Army.
You’ll start off meticulous and organized and end up dumping crap into random boxes.
The boxes I packed on the first day look like works of art. Beautifully, carefully packed boxes. Delicates wrapped in paper, fitting together like a puzzle. Each box, taped up with the carefully written instructions that read, “Kitchen, glassware, VERY FRAGILE.”
Then, as your back starts to ache and your dirty hands begin to get covered in cardboard cuts, you start feverishly dumping all your crap into any box you can find because OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SO OVER IT. You'll tape it up half hazardly and scribble "closet" on it with a Sharpie running out of ink. Honey badger don't care. Honey badger don't care one bit.
You have a child in middle school younger than some of your expired spices.
Still have some sage in your cupboard from 2003? You’re not alone, I do too. I’m pretty sure it was for my 2003 Thanksgiving turkey and now it sits in the corner of my spice cupboard, once forgotten, now remembered again. Should I toss it? What if I need it? Does sage go bad? It does, right? What's this? Mrs. Dash? I didn't even know I had Mrs. Dash. Oh, look - at one point cayenne pepper tipped over and dumped all over the place. That's lovely.
A sign you’re almost done packing is when your home looks like it was destroyed in a natural disaster.
You should see the other rooms! ::awkward laugh:: ::cries a little::
Oddly enough, a good sign you’re at the home stretch of packing is when your house looks like it was abandoned after a hurricane. Sure, it may not seem like it as you step over a cord that went to the very first digital camera ever made that broke ten years ago, but still - you’re making good progress! Your back hurts, your feet hurt and you're on your third delivered pizza - but don't despair! Soon, you'll be at the new place where you have to unpack every single box while trying to figure out where to put the Altoids.