Babies aren’t fools.
Their sense of timing isn’t a coincidence or bad luck. No, in fact, if they could talk, I believe they’d argue their timing is perfect. Right on time, every time.
Think an epic diaper blowout that would put a volcano to shame the minute you pass them on to Grandpa at Thanksgiving is a fluke?
Pffft. Think again.
Up the back, in the hair, down their legs, down your leg, in their ears and smeared on your face like a mustache. It’s all good for these little ones as they bask in the sweet relief of lettin’ go.
In fact, here are a few of their favorite moments to let loose.
In their car seat right before you pick them up to take them into CostCo
Busy day? Need to run some errands? Have a time constraint? Perfect. Your baby has been working up a liquid poop fountain for a few hours now and there’s no better time to let loose than in their car seat as you try to find a parking spot at CostCo.
As you do your best not to panic while you clean up the back seat, the look of satisfaction in their eyes mocks you. Just accept the fact your car will smell like crap for weeks. It’s the only way you’ll be able to fully move on.
Brand new outfits
Did you just splurge on an exquisite cotton dress for little Victoria? With brand new tights, a cardigan and Mary Janes? Perfect. So many adorable things to wreck, so little time.
Little Vicki was hoping she could wear it to church service and it appears you fell right into her trap. Take a seat in the pew, settle in, then start to listen for the subtle sounds of a baby trying to push out “the big one.” It will be so bad, you’ll be tempted to just throw all her new precious clothes in the bathroom trash so you can wrap her up in a blanket and hold her in the coffee bar like nothing ever happened. Do what you gotta do, mom. We don’t judge.
The minute you realize you’re out of wipe ups
Life gets crazy, especially with a little one. You may have realized at one time you needed to buy more wipe ups, but that thought left as quickly as it came as you’re watching PBS and realizing that, once again, Curious George has been given way too much responsibility for a monkey that can’t resist mischief.
Now, your baby could just blowout while at home, but they know that would just get them a huge dunk in a bath. Where’s the payoff in that? No, the real power move is to wait until you’re in public. In public, with an empty wipe ups container in your diaper bag. You’ll probably have to take off your own shirt to contain the madness and drive home in a stained cami. You might as well stop off somewhere to get the damn wipe ups now. Who cares if you’re covered in poop, your pride was gone a long time ago, my friend.
Fresh bed sheets
Just changed the bed sheets? Perfect. Your baby has been waiting for the laundry to get done and it was hard keeping in the volcanic gurgles in their belly. Now it’s time to lay them on your bed while you start to pick up your room. They look so cozy, just sitting there cooing. Maybe you’ll even vacuum! Wait, what’s the smell?
Don’t act surprised. It’s the smell of your bed getting wrecked, fool.
Professional picture day
Dropped a huge deposit on a family photographer and now it’s time for the big picture day? The baby also needs to drop a huge deposit, preferably while your family is sitting on a vintage couch the photographer put in some grassy field. You’ll be so preoccupied with smiling on your “good side” and telling the older child to stop draping themselves over the side of the couch that you won’t even notice anything is awry until the photographer asks what’s dripping off your arm.
Time for a costume change. Except, wait. You’re on a vintage couch in a grassy field.
After a nice long day, it’s dreamy to get a nice cozy bath and put on a fresh diaper and jammies. Everything a baby ever wanted to release an oil spill more disastrous than the ones that cause us to wash baby ducks in Dawn dish soap.
And you thought you’d get them down early so you can pour yourself a glass of wine and watch the latest Walking Dead episode you have DVR’d. Come on now, gurl! Stop dreaming.
Restaurants with no diaper changing station
You’re starting to get wise to your baby’s game. You bought a diaper bag so big you’d have to check it in at most airlines, filled with diapers, wipe ups, bottled water, soap and 5 outfits - each - for the both of you. This type of dooms day prepping guarantees the baby won’t have a blowout, because what’s the fun in it when you’re so prepared?
You go to a restaurant to visit some friends and they don’t have a diaper changing station.
Are you and the girls innocently enjoying some fries and laughs when you see your baby’s signature “I’m about to make it rain” grimace? Feeling a little confident, perhaps even cocky with your fully stocked diaper bag as you hold your baby by the armpits (the only place not covered in poop) into the bathroom? Cockiness was your first mistake. There’s one gross toilet stall and a sink covered in germ water. Looks like baby’s getting changed on the floor, still growing mold in the tile grout from 1956.
Coincidence? I think you know the answer to that one.
I know you all have some amazing blowout stories and scenarios. Share 'em with us!