It’s old news that 50 Shades of Grey is hitting theaters on Valentine’s Day. My social media news feeds are crowded with comments from gushing housewives who can’t wait to shove malt balls into their mouths while observing some douche nugget named Christian Grey tie up a young idiot and do things to her that probably deem an ER visit, Clorox bath and emotional counseling.

I have numerous reasons as to why I’m not a fan of 50 Shades -the first one being that when I attempted to read it, I was so disgusted at the poor writing within the first chapter that I requested a refund from Amazon and deleted it from my Kindle. Seriously, I’ve read better stuff on Taco Bell sauce packets.

Although I find the story to be putrid for numerous reasons, I know I'm in the minority. Millions of people across the country were enthralled with the books, and I won’t bash anyone who has already pre-ordered movie tickets or believes it to be the greatest love saga since Pretty Woman. Hey, it’s your thing. Do what you want to do.

However, I can think of fifty other things that I would rather do than watch poorly-written porn and hear the gooftastic phrase, “Oh my” muttered numerous times on the big screen.

1.  Watch a Caillou marathon.
2. Rip off my toenails with pliers.
3. Listen to an audio version of War and Peace narrated by Fran Drescher.
4. Grow out my armpit hair and dye it in a fuchsia chevron pattern to match my palazzo pants.
5. Listen to the Frozen soundtrack on repeat for twelve days.
6. Place aluminum foil on my amalgam fillings.
7. Bathe in dog shit.
8. Pluck my eyelashes with rusted tweezers.
9. Pay someone to run over my foot with a forklift.
10. Eat my weight in refried beans then ride a roller coaster.
11. Let my toddler cut my hair with zigzag scissors.
12.  Clean a gas station toilet with my toothbrush.
13. Take Dulcolax with Lunesta.
14. Accept invitations to play Facebook games.
15. Drink a Yoohoo and ketchup smoothie.
16. Ask Charles Manson to be my life coach.
17. Fold a king-sized fitted sheet.
18. Douse myself in honey and sacrifice myself to a bear.
19. Take part in a pyramid scheme.
20. Watch Space Jam.
21. Replace my Visine with onion juice.
22. Give convicts sponge baths. 
23. Cut a rap album about potty training.
24. Be on and episode of Naked and Afraid in the North Pole with Chris Christie.
25. Give my children a sack of Pixie Sticks and then drive them across the country.
26. Wash my hair with cigarette ashes.
27. Teach Bruce Jenner how to use a tampon.
28. Replace my toilet paper with steel wool.
29. Talk to a telemarketer.  
30. Ride a slow train to hell.
31. Eat a molded bread and sardine sandwich with a glass of curdled milk.
32. Sleep naked in a sewer.
33. Douche with hot sauce.
34. Wear a wind suit for a family portrait.
35. Help deliver a breached cow.
36. Trap myself in an elevator with Justin Bieber.
37. Let my OBGYN give me my yearly exam in front of the C Block at the local prison.
38. Listen to Freddy Kruger massage a chalk board.
39. Put on a thong monokini and stand beside Heidi Klum.
40. Give my children a drum set.
41. Get a Brazilian wax from Pedro, a mechanic at my local Jiffy Lube.
42. Lick a waiting room chair.
43. Dress up like a Ninja Turtle and rob a Pizza Hut.
44. Wallpaper every room in my house and then remove it.
45. Play hide and seek in a pile of elephant dung.
46. Foot Kathie Lee and Hoda’s wine bill.
47. Eat a stranger’s booger.
48. Refuse Nutella for three weeks.
49. Drink Michael Moore’s backwash.
50. Come up with a list of fifty disgusting things.

Yes, all of this sounds more appealing to me than shelling out money to take a big-screen tour of the Red Room of Pain and hearing a girl describe her psychotic lover's eyes as "smoldering embers".

In fact, I think I’d rather set my eyes on fire than hear such absurdities. 

There’s your smoldering embers, E.L. James.

Susannah B. Lewis is a freelance writer, blogger, aspiring best-selling author, wife of one and stay-at-home mother of two. She was chosen for the Top 13 in Blogger Idol 2013 and she contributes pieces to The Huffington Post. Her work has also been featured in several humorous e-books. When she’s not putting pen to paper, bandaging boo-boos or spraying “Shout” on unidentifiable stains, she enjoys reading, playing the piano and teaching her children all about Southern charm. Read her humor blog, Whoa! Susannah and follow her on Facebook  and Twitter.

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