50 Shades of Red

We all have our guilty pleasures. For some people it’s sneaking a smoke on the back patio after the kids go to bed. For others it’s eating enough peanut M&Ms to make your skin turn green. My guilty pleasure just happens to be 50 Shades of Grey.

Because I'm a busy mom with very little time to read, I downloaded the audible version so I could listen to it while washing dishes, folding laundry, and grocery shopping -- with headphones in, of course. I can’t have my kids hearing that garbage.

The other day I had the opportunity to go grocery shopping alone. A-L-O-N-E. That, like, never happens. So I jumped on it like Donald Trump at a toupee sale and headed out to our local market. I grabbed my reusable grocery bags (yes, I remembered them this time), headphones, turned on 50 Shades of Darker (the 2nd book), and started grabbing things from my shopping list.

If you know anything about the infamous Grey/Steele romance, you've heard words like "the red room of pain" and "down there" quite a bit. Well the second book is even raunchier than the first, if that's possible. I kept blushing while in the store and people were starting to stare. I tried to act like I was listening to an audible version of War and Peace (gag) and hold a stoic expression on my face while I compared prices on goldfish crackers, but it wasn't working. My face was giving me away.

After about ten minutes, I noticed more stares -- and some laughter. "What the...?" I felt a bit self-conscious, like maybe it's unusual to shop with headphones in, so I went ahead and took them out.

And then I looked down and realized they weren't fully plugged into my phone. And my phone was on speaker! Everyone I passed could hear words like “firm” and “oh my” coming from my cart, and my guilty pleasure was on display for the world to see.

I pulled myself together and quickly scrambled to plug in my headphones and get the hell out of the store -- and away from the old men giving me creepy half smiles like their Viagra was starting to kick in. This had to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. And I’ve had some doozies, people.

You know, life isn’t always easy. I took some time that day (after I stopped crying and had eaten everything fried I could find) to examine myself and think about my actions and how I could possibly move past this horrific event.

My brain was kicking me for not remembering to plug in the headphones -- like an idiot.

My heart was telling me that we all make mistakes and nobody was actually judging me.

My husband said I’m lucky I didn’t get arrested.


My conclusion: Looks like I'm gonna start buying peanut M&Ms in bulk.