It’s often been said that having a dog is like having a baby. This is not true.

1. I’ve never had to take the baby out in the cold at 2 AM and beg it to take a dump in my yard.

2. I’ve never had to yell at the baby to “STOP!” when he lifts his leg on the coffee table.

3. I’ve never had to pry a dead bird from the baby’s mouth.

4. I’ve never had to scold the baby for tearing the patio cushions to shreds.

5. I’ve never had to clean the  baby’s fecal matter from the kitchen floor (okay, once).

6. I’ve never had to aggressively pull the baby off of the neighbor’s cat.

7. I’ve never witnessed the baby humping a stuffed animal.

8. I’ve never had to pluck mulch chips from the baby’s matted armpit hair.

9. I’ve never had to chase a runaway baby down the street while whistling.

10. I’ve never had to give the baby Valium before going on a long car ride.

11. I’ve never tried to lure the baby out from under the bed with a Beggin’ Strip.

12. I’ve never accused the baby when socks go missing.

13. I’ve never had the baby incessantly whine and beg me for table scraps.

14. I’ve never had to crate the baby when I leave the house.

15. I’ve never had to carry a Ziploc bag and paper towel on the baby’s walks.

16. I’ve never had to pull a tick the size of a butterbean from the baby’s ear.

17. I’ve never had to use Pedi Paws on the baby.

18. I’ve never had to pry dingle berries from the baby’s butt hair.

19. I’ve never had to call the vet because the baby’s erection lasted longer than four hours (after a stuffed animal episode).

20. I’ve never had to put the baby outside all night because she has diarrhea.

21. I’ve never had to put the baby in a “Thunder Shirt” during a storm.

22. I’ve never had to tell company to get in the house quickly and shut the door before the baby runs out.

23. I’ve never had to wash the baby in flea shampoo.

24. I’ve never been prohibited to bring the baby in Target.

25. I’ve never had to ask a groomer to express the baby’s anal glands.

26. I’ve never had to worry about the baby dying from chocolate.

27. I’ve never had the baby shaved.

28. I’ve never sprayed the baby with Febreeze.

29. I’ve never saved a neck bone for the baby.

30. I’ve never given the baby Dentastix to remove the toilet water smell from his mouth.

I would add more, but I’ve got to go. The dog is taking a fresh dump in the dining room.

The baby is merely watching television.

Susannah B. Lewis is a freelance writer, blogger, aspiring best-selling author, wife of one and stay-at-home mother of two. She was chosen for the Top 13 in Blogger Idol 2013 and she contributes pieces to The Huffington Post. Her work has also been featured in several humorous e-books. When she’s not putting pen to paper, bandaging boo-boos or spraying “Shout” on unidentifiable stains, she enjoys reading, playing the piano and teaching her children all about Southern charm. Read her humor blog, Whoa! Susannah and follow her on Facebook  and Twitter.

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