That title was originally supposed to read 'me.' All these years I assumed I was the only one who sits in the church sanctuary feeling my blood pressure rise at every little thing because, let's just be honest here, I'm not a huge fan of people so therefore I'm easily annoyed. Whatever.
That being said, I've had a private list in my head for like, EVER, but dare I come out of my snarkiest closet and reveal my inner most church people peeves to the world...or in this case 100k+ readers who obviously appreciate a good laugh at other people's expense?
And that answered my own question.
On a whim, I broached the taboo topic that threatens to prove us all human and tossed it out to Facebook land. 'What gets on your nerves at church?'-- and then I laid down a few ground rules. NO arguments, drama or names. And my phone lit up. Comments, private messages and texts came pouring in because apparently people at large have been quietly waiting for the opportunity to speak their mind on this one.
So without further ado, let's find out why so many of us are squealing our tires out of the parking lot on Sunday mornings.
1. Talking during the service. (Psst! Whispering only makes it worse.) It's an hour. Shut your pie hole.
2. Crying/noisy babies. Newsflash, nobody else thinks your kid is cute.
3. Excessive outbursts of coughing and/or sneezing. Anything more than twice, haul your butt out of the sanctuary...or at least aim it toward the parent of the crying kid next to you.
4. Ladies, enough with the perfume already. You might smell nice in your car, but wear it in a closed room with 99 different fragrances and all you're doing is triggering Sneezy Dwarf who gets the baby crying. Stop the insanity.
5. If asked to read aloud as a congregation, don't be the one reading slower or faster than the group. Either keep up or slow it down. This ain't about you.
6. Think you're a great singer? Think again. Stop trying to out-sing the band. This is worship, not your audition. Let's take that joyful noise down a notch, shall we?
7. Do you answer the Minister's rhetorical questions out loud during the sermon? Knock it off.
8. Now let's discuss this coffee bar can of worms. Do you bring your own giant thermos to fill with the complimentary coffee? Do you leave the sanctuary during the service to refill your mug? Stop it. Just, stop. And for the love, if coffee gives you gas it won't kill you to wait till you get home, unlike what it does to the people in the row behind you if you don't.
9. Hey lady, whatever is in the very bottom of your giant handbag that you're determined to find during the sermon isn't worth it. Trust me, it's.not.worth.it.
10. No good comes from passing around an open mic and inviting people to share. That's all I'll say about that.
11. Do you do home sales? Awesome. Keep 'em at home. Nobody wants you peddling your goods while they're trying to drop their kid off in the nursery...and no, I will not host a party, give you my email address or share the contact info of 8 of my closest friends. Stop asking.
12. Speaking of the nursery, believe it or not, that's not free daycare.
Pick your kid back up when the service is over if you don't mind, and sign up to cover a Sunday while you're there. It's called taking turns. And it's the right thing to do.
13. On the topic of kids, is yours sick? Do they have lice? If the answer is yes...or maybe...to either of those questions and you show up in the nursery with them, prepare to be throat punched by another mother. You've been warned.
14. Heavy petting. I can't even believe I have to say that. We get it. You love each other. Now cut that crap out.
15. Annoying instruments in the praise band. This isn't the time or place to debut your killer cowbell solo...and don't make me hide that tambourine, either.
16. Do people really make change in the offering plate? Gross.
17. Unless you're the owner of a loud baby, the guy with the nagging cough or you suddenly feel the urge to projectile vomit, stay in your freakin' seat. Like my Mamaw Putter used to say, "In or out...DECIDE!"
18. Cell. Phones. OFF. I'm serious.
19. Did someone accidentally sit in your usual seat? Find another one.
20. BUT...and this is important...did you knowingly sit in someone's regular seat when there were plenty of others to choose from?!? Listen up, I've sat there for 17 years, dammit. Don't make me hunt you down.
So the people have spoken. Now might I suggest a Sunday School class on anger management, held directly across the hall from the class on social etiquette. I know which one I need, and now hopefully you do too.