It’s a new year! Clean slate! Fresh start! This is our opportunity to ditch the past and change the future, and I’ve got a few suggestions on where we should begin. Let’s leave this crap in last year, shall we?
Being perpetually offended
2015, the year a sense of humor went out the window, everybody’s panties got in a bunch over anything, and people demanded apologies for everything, all in the name of ‘tolerance.’
So here’s a definition to memorize for 2016…
SATIRE: To use humor, irony, or exaggeration to expose people’s vices on topical issues.
Now. Welcome to the site called HaHas For HooHas. It’s not serious. It’s funny. Now get over yourself. Your tantrums only feed our need to irritate you.
(((WARNING))): If you’re already offended, click off now. It’s only gonna get worse.
Ridiculous celebrity baby names
A Saint, a Bear, 2 Sailors, and a Spurgeon. Sounds like a bad ‘walked into a bar’ joke. Please, people. Those innocent children have to live with your attention-seeking baggage. Stop it.
I don’t care which side you’re on, everyone’s lying. Until these candidates are asked real questions coming straight from the American people…and are required to answer while attached to a lie detector machine…let’s stop interrupting our regularly scheduled programming.
Find the panda amongst the snowmen picture
The Facebook version of Where’s Waldo. It’s stupid, and I’m not just saying that because I can’t find the damn thing.
There’s an old philosophical saying, ‘I think, therefore I am’…not gonna copy and paste a damn thing, ever, because I know that Mark Zuckerburg isn’t giving away free money.
Seriously, people. I have higher hopes for you than this.
Hashtags on Facebook statuses
You’re aware that no one wants to read through all the hashtagged variations of your baby’s name, right? And you’re aware that you’re annoying the crap out of everyone?
While we’re on the topic of Facebook, I don’t care how meaningful, serious, heartfelt, or funny the quote is. The minute you stick it on the picture of a twinkie wearing overalls and goggles, it loses all credibility. They’re lunchbox snacks. Stop giving them words.
Because we as a people have reached the level where someone needs to tell us not to try to balance ourselves on a floating skateboard, which as an added bonus, has been known to spontaneously combust.
Am I the only one here who has never seen any of those movies and went on to live a productive life without them? But hey, as long as society at large continues throwing their money at them, I’ll assume they’ll continue making 3 more follow-ups every decade.
Annie, Steele Magnolias, Karate Kid, Point Break, Harry Potter, because heaven forbid we leave the cast of characters as is. STOP THE MADNESS. When something works once, leave it the hell alone.
Kudos to you if you believe that rubbing a concoction of Ginger, Spearmint, Peppermint, and Basil all over your body will relieve your constipation, but I ain’t buyin’ into your voodoo, because apparently, the secret to free-flowing bowels is some good ol’ gluten.
Which leads us to #12…
I truly don’t care one way or another if you eat gluten, don’t eat gluten, can eat gluten or can’t eat gluten. I don’t even know what the crap it is. But, for the love, STOP FREAKIN’ TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE DAMN GLUTEN. I almost died on a hazelnut once, but you don’t hear me hazelnut-bashing at parties, do you? So prepare yourself. Because in 2016, every time I’m asked what ingredients are in anything I make, my answer will be, “Gluten. Lots and lots of delicious gluten.”
Lest you think I negligently left off a couple of obvious ones from 2015, it’s been my experience that my stance on the man-bun depends on who’s wearing it…and is oddly influenced by my PMS schedule…and as long as Pentatonix stays hot, so will the man-beanie.
I don’t make the rules here, people.