10 of Your Baby’s Most Dubious Milestones

First smile. First step. First word. These are among the milestones all parents hope to record in their scrapbooks and to cherish forever. But as all moms and dads know, there are other firsts, the ones that are “uncherishable,” the ones you probably don’t want to remember let alone record. Here are ten.

1.  The first time your sweet innocent cherub expels substances, volcano-like, from every orifice on their bodies at once. Maybe they’ve been sick for a few days, and maybe this is the first time they’ve taken antibiotics. A few hours after that is usually when it all goes south, but also toward the other three compass points. We’re talking vomit, poop, and pee. Of course, tears and snot too. Not all of it junior’s.

2.  The first time your baby locks eyes with you and seems to look directly into your soul, with a promise to destroy it utterly.

3.  Their first public meltdown, which will most likely occur at the grocery store when you desperately need milk.

4.  The first time you leave the room for two minutes and Dearheart writes on the walls with permanent marker, a fistful of SpaghettiOs, and paint from a can you don’t even remember buying. All you know is, not even Kaboom is going to get all that out.

5.  The first time you call poison control. Maybe you didn’t even leave the room but just looked away for one moment and turned back to see your darling angel slip a whole quarter into their mouths and swallow it. Or maybe you could’ve sworn that bottle of Tums you’d put on the counter, confident it was out of reach, was full when you’d placed it there, and now it’s definitely down a third. And when you locate your child, their expression is decidedly chalky.

6.  The first time your inquisitive child asks an embarrassing question in public. Maybe you’re on line at the grocery store and junior asks where Mommy’s penis is. Or you’re on the bus and they ask the overweight man standing next to you when he’s going to have his baby.

7.  The first time they eat their snot. Often right after you yell, “Don’t wipe that on the couch.” Into the mouth it goes.

8.  The first birthday party where they ask the clown making balloon animals to make theirs in the shape of Cthulu.

9.  The first time they overflow a toilet, not yours, not one at a friend’s house, but the toilet at an expensive store you ducked into because it was an emergency, and you weren’t planning to buy anything, but after your precious gift from God devastates the employees-only commode, you feel you have to buy something, so you get the cheapest item there, a backscratcher in the shape of a giraffe.

10.  The first time your child breaks something expensive you just bought before you can even get it home.