1) Share-free eating
Sometimes we just want to eat a damn bar of chocolate without having to break off a piece for a bunch of adorable vultures. I mean, can’t a woman get a Jamba Juice without a constant barrage of requests for sips? Enjoying a smoothie without kid floaties should be a right, not a privilege. When we’re alone, it's ours. It’s all ours!!
2) Watch trashy TV
Sometimes we like to watch shows we’re not exactly proud of. Bachelor, Real Housewives, Kardashians, Sister Wives, Honey Boo Boo. Just pick your brain poison - there are lots to choose from. Often, they’re too inappropriate for kids and our men are judging us so hard we can’t enjoy ourselves with the look of disappointment in their eyes when Honey Boo Boo tries to throw a fart in her mom's face. The peace and tranquility that comes from watching bad TV in a kid-free, judgment free zone is a gift one can’t put into words.
3) Enjoy not being touched, leaned on or smothered by someone
Of course the affection we receive from our partners and children releases the oxytocin and endorphins that put big hearts in our eyes for our beloved family.
But sometimes we just need 20 minutes where everyone gets their freaking hands off us. #RealTalk
4) Going to the store and slowly viewing/caressing all the beauty products without someone screaming, crying or impatiently sighing
Going to Target alone feels like being released from federal prison. We feel so carefree, we don’t know what to do with ourselves! The cosmetics! The beauty supplies! Sometimes we just want to stand and stare. So many shades! So many styles! And there’s no one there to sigh with a “Hurry up honey, the game is almost on” look in their eyes, or no one screaming in the cart, or no one running down the aisles! We’re FREEEEE!
5) Sitting on the couch to enjoy a clean house for .3 seconds
Soon, they’ll be home. Within minutes, in ways that can't be explained by observation or science, just their very presence will create a tornado of crap that will swirl all over your clean house. Until then, we just sit and enjoy. It’s all we can do.
6) Taking the glorious time necessary to thoroughly wipe our butts without interruption
You don’t realize how much you miss thoroughly wiping yourself until you give birth to a permanent bathroom audience. And if they aren’t busting the door down, they will somehow manage a life threatening crisis right when you’ve settled in for a potty session. So when we’re alone, going to the bathroom almost becomes an exotic getaway. Should I bring in Cosmo or a Pottery Barn catalog? Maybe I’ll just scroll through my Facebook feed, liking things and leaving comments!! We have so much time to poop in peace, the possibilities are endless!
7) Taking a long, hot shower without someone barging in asking questions you don’t want to answer
A hot, luxurious shower alone is what dreams are made of. Of course we love sexual intimacy with our partners, but sometimes we just want our nakedness to be benign. Getting naked before entering a shower doesn’t always have to serve alternative purposes, ok? We don’t need propositions, innuendos or proposals, we just need to suds up our chimichangas and get our legs shaved real quick before we miss our 11 o’clock appointment.
And if our man isn’t around to ogle us, it won’t take long before a child enters (or is taking the shower with us) looking a little too intently at our bodies asking us questions like, “Where’s your weeny momma?”
8) Go through a Starbucks drive thru
The freedom to go through a drive thru alone is enough to make a woman roll down the windows of her minivan and start blasting some Salt N Peppa. There’s no one in the backseat begging for 20 dollars worth of smoothies and cookies while we place our order, everyone! Hell yes, we’ll take whipped cream! The world is our oyster!!
9) Getting tasks done without sweet little helpers
Sometimes children want to be helpers which provides parents a wonderful opportunity to teach them chores, generosity and responsibility. But sometimes, a woman just wants to get the damn dishes done so she can relax and move on with her life! Having “help” pushing our carts is really overrated since we're far less likely to clip an old lady's heels or crash into a display that will topple over in front of everyone at CostCo.
The truth is, we get crap done when we're alone. We get crap done real good.
Sleeping alone after years of balancing on the edge of the mattress can feel like floating on clouds while angels hum us to sleep with the majesty of their harps. And no, I’m not exaggerating.