There are things that occur in life that baffle me. Lookin' at you woman in the public bathroom stall that took a casual phone call.
Sending me a friend request on Facebook and ignoring me in real life.
This happened to Susannah and it's happened to me more times than I think should be humanly possible. Has the Internet made us so socially inept that we find it suitable to ask an acquaintance to friend us on Facebook whilst pretending we don’t see them in the baking aisle at Safeway?
I had a person who I had never met in person, but had several professional mutual friends, send me a request. I usually don’t accept friend requests if I’ve never at least met you in real life, but I assumed it was a professional courtesy and perhaps we could network. She liked a lot of my updates and interacted with me from time to time in the comments.
A couple months later I met her at a conference. She had no idea who I was. Seriously. No idea.
I just ... I just can’t.
What is that you say? Our buttholes are unsightly? Oh, stop - they're not that bad!
I think this trend started in porn (no surprise there), but then started to become a thing once Brazillian waxes became all the rage. Apparently we have a low threshold for dark colored butt cracks.
Listen, if you’ve been granted access to view this part of my body, you’re definitely not allowed to have an opinion about what it looks like. Here’s an idea - perhaps you should stop looking at it. Better yet, GET OUT OF MY BUTT.
People who answer their cell phone while pooping in a public restroom.
This is the worst. The absolute worst. People who carry on conversations on their phones in public while dropping a deuce have lost their minds.
When did this become acceptable? I’ve never listened in on a conversation (I don’t want to, mind you - I just have no choice) where she’s like, “It’s not appropriate for me to be on the phone, but you’re scaring me because you won’t stop calling. Oh my god, is he ok? What hospital? I’ll be right there!”
No, no. It’s usually like this - “Oh hey, what’s up? No, I’ll be home around 5:30. Want me to pick up dinner? Ok, cool. Oh, you did? How is he doing? I haven’t seen him in ages, tell him hello for me!”
I, just - no. Stop. Please.
Self-cleaning ovens that you have to clean before and after self-cleaning it.
“Self-Cleaning” my ass. More like, “After I fill your house with a smell best described as “poisonous” - I’ll help a little, but you’re still gonna sweat trying to get me back to normal. Take some ibuprofen too. Your biceps and delts are gonna get real sore after this.”
Have some integrity, ovens. Just call it, "I'll burn up the crusties, but after that you're on your own." At least then I can respect your honesty.
Cleaning the house before the person you hired to clean your house comes over.
Only a woman knows the struggle of treating herself to a cleaning service, only to clean her house before they arrive because we have this thing called pride that’s really embarrassed by the poop streaks our kids left in the toilet.
This insanity must stop. Afraid they’ll judge? Let ‘em. You’re the one not cleaning your house. You already won.
Maxi pad instructions.
Where are people sticking their pads, making this necessary? Outside their pants? On the wall?
It’s like blow dryers with warning tags to not use in the shower or bathtub. At some point, some genius was blow drying their hair while in the shower making this tag necessary. I imagine, at some point, enough people called the Kotex hotline asking, “Hi Debbie, quick question. Where do I actually put this pad?”
I don’t understand. I don't think I ever will.
Why people are still watching Grey’s Anatomy.
I think this show has been on since I was in the third grade. Seriously, how long has it been on? I remember getting addicted to it awhile ago and I feel like I was wearing a technicolor sweatshirt with a scrunchie around my wrist.
How can shows like My So Called Life be canceled after one season, but shows like Grey’s Anatomy can last for decades when I'm pretty sure everyone stopped watching it after that ridiculous plane crash episode? Speaking of which ...
Why was My So Called Life canceled?!
Who the hell was in charge of canceling My So Called Life?! I LOVED that show. All of my friends loved that show. We all still talk about how much we loved that show!
I’m still not over it. I just saw a preview for Homeland and Claire’s voice took me back to a simpler time. A time where I wanted to wear grungy flannel shirts, filled with so much teenage angst and a slight obsession with an emotionally unavailable, greasy haired Jordan Catalano.
Why my husband doesn’t remember anything I freaking tell him, ever.
I have a smart, loving husband and I don’t think he does it on purpose. Yet, time and time again he acts like we’ve never had entire conversations. How is this possible? How?
“I didn’t know your doctor appointment was this Friday.”
“You were not only there when I made the appointment, but then you told me you were going to adjust your work schedule so you could attend. Then, a few days later I gave you a reminder during dinner and asked if you got work off. Then I reminded you last night."
“Hmm, I don’t think so ...”
“OH MY #$#%)##$OI#U@#$!!!”
My friends tell me they suffer the same injustice in their relationships. I just need to know ... how is this possible? Someone help me!
How periods know we’re on vacation.
No seriously, I need answers on this. Periods don't have brains, yet their timing is pure genius. Try planning your wedding around your period. Yeah right, she’ll just show up early. Or late. But she’s showing up to the wedding and she’s a real party pooping biotch.
Don’t really feel like enduring a heavy flow while wearing your new swimsuit, beach side in Fiji? Too bad, sucka. You’ll be wearing sweatpants in the hotel room, crying and ordering room service.
How does this work exactly and why does our period act like Regina George in Mean Girls?
I just ... I just don’t understand any of these things. And I don’t think I ever will.
This post was originally published on HaHas for HooHas 10/3/2014.