10 Things That Could Get You Stabbed With A Fork

I like to think I’m a tolerant person. Ok, I’m not, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking it. I just reach a point in my day where some things become so unbearably annoying to me, that the thought of using a piece of silverware as a weapon seems appropriate. That point is roughly 9am. So as long as any of these things happen within the first 1-2 hours of the morning, the odds of you witnessing an explosive outburst with an eating utensil are diminished by like, 80%…otherwise, watch out.
 
My husband knows the list.
My kids know the list.
Now you’ll know the list.
 
Caillou
Somebody decided to make a cartoon about a spoiled, entitled, 4 year old, and his spineless parents, thus paving the way for a reality show called ‘Kate + 8’…or, in other words, what Caillou would be like as a 40 year old woman raising a litter of kids.
 
Technology
Emails won’t send, internet's slow, WiFi’s down, pop-up ads, hackers, viruses…son of a !!!!!!!
 
Notes of any song held obnoxiously long
Hellooo…I’m lookin’ at you, Adele.
 
Baby and Bridal Shower Games
Why can’t we just eat while we watch her open gifts? Why? Why? Seriously, whyyy?
 
Waiting
Checkout lines, being put on hold, bumper to bumper traffic, a doctor who notoriously runs behind schedule…No, no, no, and no. I’d rather grocery shop at midnight, tell you to call me back when you have time to talk, avoid rush hour travel at all costs, and find a doctor who shows the same respect for my time that I’m expected to show for theirs’…and not charged a fee if I don’t. Granted, some things are occasionally unavoidable. But most things are a choice.
 
High pitched noises
If that describes your voice or your laugh, stop it. Society would much prefer you simply scrape your fingernails down a giant chalkboard. Thanks.
 
Repetitive anything
Alarm clock, dog barking, Sponge Bob, coughing, sneezing…SHUTTTTT UPPPPPP.
 
Repeating myself
Huh? Repeating myself. What? KNOCK IT OFF.
 
Infomercials
Is there anything worse than walking into a room and finding your husband mindlessly watching an hour long commercial about a giant juicer that for only 3 easy payments of $29.99 you can have shoved in the back of a cabinet collecting dust until your next garage sale?
Yes, actually, there is…7 days later when the UPS guy shows up with your husband's damn juicer.
 
Small restaurant portions
I like to eat. And whatever the price, I wanna feel like I got my money’s worth. I enjoy giant mugs of coffee, a nice pile of crispy bacon, and if you’re charging 6 bucks for 2 pancakes, I better the hell not be able to see the plate under those bad boys. So if you serve me a breakfast the size of my tiny hands, you might wanna duck. Incoming fork, headed your way.
 
Lest you wonder if this underlying rage you’re picking up on is PMS related, it’s not…for those 3 days of the month, I skip the fork and go straight for the butter knife. 
That’s up to you if you wanna roll the dice on which 3 days.