10 Reasons One Might Feel Sorry For My Husband

I'm not naive. I recognize there are moments when one may be tempted to feel sorry for my husband. I suspect 10 very specific reasons - here they are:


1 - His 1 year old daughter is "use her dad's wiener as walking leverage" feet tall.

2 - He’s never once woken his wife up at 3 AM to check a “sound” he might have “heard” in the hall and was asleep with his mouth open upon her investigative return.

3 - His wife hasn’t picked up a sack of groceries since 2008.

4 - He’s never watched an action movie all the way through without having to pause it at least 4 times to explain what’s happening.

5 - He nicks his face on a regular basis because his wife just “likes his shaver better.”

6 - His wife buys expensive pickles he isn’t allowed to eat because “he doesn’t appreciate a good pickle” like she does and "he can eat the cheap ones with the stork on it."

7 - He’s never been allowed to eat all of his fries just by himself since he met his wife in 2007.

8 - The more wine his wife drinks, the less she’s in the mood. A near scientific impossibility.

9 - He’s had to pull long curly hair out of his chest hairs, mouth, socks and drains since 2007.

10 - He's made more late night tampon runs to Walgreens then late night Taco Bell runs he used to make as a bachelor.


Okay, real talk - the list is much longer, but at some point I need to reclaim my dignity.