Ah, the coveted Girl’s Night Out. A chance to refresh, relax, recharge. It’s truly a wonderful thing, isn’t it?
However, once you own offspring, GNO will NEVER again be like those wild, refreshing nights of your pre-baby life. Oh, you can try to relive those glory days of bar-hopping and break dancing, but I wouldn’t advise it.
You’ll receive a call or text from your husband as soon as you’ve finished gulping that fifth mojito. And he will say that little Joey is running a fever and complaining of a tummy ache. He will tell you not to worry, but you will immediately diagnose this as appendicitis (or something major that involves the eruption and prompt removing of bodily organs).
Directly after you learn that little Joey has a fever and is in dire need of medical attention, the maternal need to run to him will engulf you. Only you can’t run to him because you’ve had five large cups of mint poison at a restaurant hosting a live mariachi band.
When you realize that you cannot immediately get to your child, you will feel like the world’s worst mother. Your girlfriend will console you as you cry on her shoulder. Although she is drunker than you, she will assure you that you are a wonderful mom and go on to speak some really deep and psychological stuff about parenting.
Your designated driver will hear all about little Joey’s current (and past) medical issues, your need to hold him in your arms and your failures as a mother. Your designated driver will also hear a slurred reading of every WebMD article on your iPhone about “fever and gastrointestinal upset”.
As you stagger up the driveway, you will pop a piece of Big Red and rub your eyes. Then you will enter the house and try to conceal your drunkenness from your husband. The dilated pupils, hiccups, and tripping over the couch and face-planting into the entertainment center will give you away.
Your husband will inform you that you shouldn’t have rushed home. Little Joey’s fine and fell asleep watching his favorite Pixar movie. His rise in body temperature was merely caused by running around the house and pretending to be an airplane. A good fart also cured his appendicitis.
Since your baby is well, the night is still young and the designated driver is long gone, finishing off that bottle of NYE wine on the back patio sounds like a groovy idea. All is well until the neighbors call the police to report “a loud mid-thirties mother singing Ace of Base into a rake.”
You miss the ballgame on Saturday, the church services on Sunday, and your head is still throbbing as you drop little Joey off at school on Monday. Because your hangovers have hangovers with a heaping side of guilt.
Don’t let this happen to you, ladies! Stick to the G-rated GNO. Catch a movie and drink nothing stronger than a carbonated beverage.
Your dignity will thank you.
This post was originally published on HaHas for HooHas July 8, 2014.