10 Helpful (?) Gardening Tips

Oh, sweet summertime. Birds are chirping, bees are buzzing and flowers are blooming! If you will be working in a flower bed this season, here are ten helpful hints.


1)   Kids that help pull weeds need to be told that monkey grass is not a weed (preferably BEFORE they pull all the monkey grass).

2)   Garter snakes are NOT deterred by the shrill screams and hyperventilation of women wearing do-rags and gardening knee pads.

3)   Don’t ask your husband to transplant the large bush TO the same place where he transplanted it FROM last year.

4)   If you enjoy listening to music while you work in your flower bed, please remove all songs with explicit lyrics before setting your iPod to “shuffle”. You will most definitely step on delicate flowers while trying to dash across the bed in time to turn it off before your innocent children (neighbors, passers-by) hear the first twelve verses to “Nuthin’ But A G Thang”.

5)   Don’t splurge on expensive gardening gloves that claim to keep your hands clean. Dirt will still manage to get under your fingernails, in the creases of your knuckles and possibly into your bloodstream.

6)   If you wear shorts, your butt cheeks will be hanging out every time you bend over to tend to your bed. If you do not have a toned derriere, this could be traumatizing to the whole neighborhood (and lead to some nasty nicknames being whispered at PTA meetings).

7)   Chainsaws are not recommended for trimming ANYTHING in the standard flower bed, unless you just like flirting with disaster or your idea of “curb appeal” is equivalent to “mass destruction”. 

8)   Read labels. Shade plants are for shade. Sun plants are for sun. This isn’t just a casual suggestion.

9)   Don’t trim anything with thorns without first putting on a HAZMAT suit. Unless you enjoy bleeding profusely on your front lawn.

10) Learn a good rain dance. It’s much easier than dealing with water hoses.


Happy gardening!