Anna wrote about the five signs you're about to start your period, but who are we kidding.
Aunt Flow can ring our door bells at any time and there's nothing we can do about it, people.
Thanks to the PMS GPS, you know her exact location. She’s packed her bags and taken the Uterine Express. Her ETA is imminent. She’s getting closer. You know it. Your family knows it, too. She’s coming. Any moment now. Yes, Aunt Flow is on her way.
There’s no need to mark her estimated appearance on your calendar. These ten signs predict that she will soon arrive in all of her disgusting glory.
1) Children and small animals fear your wrath and scurry for cover when you enter the room.
2) You’re not a prepubescent One Direction fan, but the enormous zit on your chin makes you look like one.
3) Your appetite surpasses that of a Grizzly Bear taking Prednisone and you just ate that entire bulk-sized jar of Nutella with a sand shovel.
4) You almost sucker-punched your own child when he/she threw an elbow into your overly-tender breasts.
5) Your husband set his glass on the table without a coaster and you immediately drafted an itemized list of what you want in the divorce. (He can keep the table with the drink ring.)
6) You use expletives that you haven’t used since your toga fell off at that college party in the 90s.
7) Telemarketers have put you on the “Do Not Call Every 28-32 Days” list.
8) You see a 3-day-dead raccoon on the side of the road and notice his bloat isn’t quite as bad as yours.
9) Fatigue doesn’t mean being a little drowsy. It means borderline narcolepsy.
10) Judging by the stained yoga pants, vintage California Raisins t-shirt and greasy Crisco ponytail that you donned in Target because you felt too crappy to wear anything else or wash your hair, cramps have officially cramped your style.
You aren’t even here yet, Aunt Flow, but you’ve already worn out your welcome. Pack your
bags pads and move on. Until next month, you wretched witch.