iPoo: An Open letter to Shart Phone Users

We live in a world of multi-tasking: watching the news while making breakfast, cleaning while listening to music, pooping while playing Angry Birds…

We’ve all done it. We’ve all dropped a deuce* while browsing the Internet…that’s what a smart phone is for, right? And you’d be lying if you say you’ve never texted someone while taking the Browns to the Super Bowl*. (And when they ask you what you’re doing you say, “Just hanging out…” You are not “just hanging out”. You are releasing the chocolate hostage*.) And all of this is fine…until you start holding phone calls on line 1 while doing number 2*.

This is an intervention for all you toilet talkers…you commode conversationalists…you bathroom banterers who insist on bringing your phone call into the public restroom.

First of all, did you know that your cell phone has more bacteria than a toilet seat? Yup. Wanna know how that happens? Oh, don’t worry…I’ll wait for you to finish your call.

Secondly, that’s awkward for everyone involved. As a third party observer – just sitting in my stall, texting my boyfriend about the spreadsheet I’m currently filling out* - I don’t care about your conversation. I just want to do my business* and exit as if girls don’t poop (because we don’t).

Also, it can’t be comfortable for the person on the other end of the conversation. Ask yourself, “Would I talk to this person if they were standing in front of me while I was making shortcakes*?” (Most of the time, a better question to lead off with is, “Would I allow this person to be in the same building as me while I was dropping the kids off at the pool*?”)

The answer is probably a resounding and finite, “NO!” And if you are comfortable with them being on the phone with you while you drop a Biggie Smalls*, I reserve the right to listen in on your conversation, flush my toilet at an inappropriate time and laugh when you inevitably drop your phone in the toilet.

Hang up the phone. You can answer a phone call or nature’s call, but there’s no three-way calling.

*All euphemisms for pooping. 

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