I tend to “over-joke” in stressful/awkward situations ... as evident in this conversation ...
*settling into stirrups*
Me: Well, how does it look? So far so good?
OBGYN: *purposely ignores* When is the last time you had a pap?
Me: Oh, wow. Umm ... recently ... probably ...
OBGYN: How long ago is recently probably?
Me: Um, right ... recentish - whoa, that bio-hazard trash can is intense, right?
OBGYN: Anna ... how long has it been?
Me: Early, mid twenties ... maybe ... I think when I first went out to California?
OBGYN: How old are you again?
Me: OK, you're judging me spread-eagle and that makes me awkward.
OBGYN: If I showed you one picture of what cervical cancer looks like you’d be trying to get in here every three months.
Me: Yeah ... probably ... not. So, what’s the hold up?
OBGYN: I’m warming up the clamps in my hands for you.
Me: Oh, that’s very thoughtful, thank you. Wonderful customer service ...
OBGYN: Just try and relax ...
Me: Oh, I’m relaxed. So ... Oh! I saw you at a restaurant downtown (lets out clamp insertion squeak) about, about a month ago.
OBGYN: You did? Why didn’t you say hi?
Me: Oh, I don’t know ... wasn’t sure you would recognize me with my pants on.
Me: Sorry, a little OBGYN humor. *awkward laugh*
OBGYN: MmmHmmm. Ok, right away I’m seeing a polyp.
Me: Oh, God! Am I dying?!?!
OBGYN: No, no - its nothing. It’s like a skin tag, no big deal. Next time you come in I can snip it off.
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa - I don't like the word snipping in connection with my vag.
Husband: Can I see?
Side Note: Yes, that’s my husband chiming in. Don’t ask why he was with me, I don’t have an answer.
OBGYN: Of course, take a look.
Me: By all means honey, take a look deep inside the abyss of my crotch at my polyp. Let’s really keep the hot mystery alive.
Husband: *makes horrified face*
Me: What?! Is it bad?!
Husband: That is crazy looking ... what causes that?
OBGYN: Oh, it just happens sometimes. There’s a lot of blood vessels and mucous in there that can cause it. It’s harmless, but could cause spotting for her.
Husband: *still looks horrified, but appears distant as if it just occurred to him he has been "coming in contact" with my freak polyp all these years without knowing it.*
Me: Ok, you’re done Rob. Thanks!
Husband: Ugh, sick babe.
Me: I said you’re done!
OBGYN: Alrighty, let’s check your cervix. *inserts what feels like entire boxing glove fist and pushes down on stomach*
Me: Really gettin’ on in there - I can tell you've done this before.
OBGYN: *turns to Rob* Is she always like this?
OBGYN: Ok, let me give you a quick manual breast exam ...
Me: *tries to not make eye contact while my boobs are being gently (and very nicely, might I add) worked over by another woman*
OBGYN: Have you had this mole checked?
Me: No, I’ve always had it. It’s my nemesis - just hiding there under my boob. Sad. Dark. Alone. Hideous.
OBGYN: It’s like a third nipple ...
Me: Oh, I see.
Husband: That’s what I called it yesterday!
Me: Ok, you know what? Why are you here, Rob?
OBGYN: Ok, honey. You’re all done ...
Husband: Um, yes - Doctor? When can we get that polyp removed?