Conversations with My Husband (and my OBGYN): Giddyup Stirrups

I tend to “over-joke” in stressful/awkward situations ... as evident in this conversation ...

*settling into stirrups*

Me:  Well, how does it look? So far so good?

OBGYN:  *purposely ignores* When is the last time you had a pap?

Me:  Oh, wow. Umm ... recently ... probably ...

OBGYN:  How long ago is recently probably?

Me:  Um, right ... recentish - whoa, that bio-hazard trash can is intense, right?

OBGYN:  Anna ... how long has it been?

Me:  Early, mid twenties ... maybe ... I think when I first went out to California?

OBGYN:  How old are you again?

Me:  31?

OBGYN:  Anna!!

Me:  OK, you're judging me spread-eagle and that makes me awkward.

OBGYN:  If I showed you one picture of what cervical cancer looks like you’d be trying to get in here every three months.

Me:  Yeah ... probably ... not.  So, what’s the hold up?

OBGYN:  I’m warming up the clamps in my hands for you.

Me:  Oh, that’s very thoughtful, thank you.  Wonderful customer service ...

OBGYN:  Just try and relax ...

Me:  Oh, I’m relaxed.  So ... Oh! I saw you at a restaurant downtown (lets out clamp insertion squeak) about, about a month ago.

OBGYN:  You did? Why didn’t you say hi?

Me:  Oh, I don’t know ...  wasn’t sure you would recognize me with my pants on.

OBGYN:  *silence*

Me:  Sorry, a little OBGYN humor. *awkward laugh*

OBGYN:  MmmHmmm.  Ok, right away I’m seeing a polyp.

Me:  Oh, God!  Am I dying?!?!

OBGYN:  No, no - its nothing.  It’s like a skin tag, no big deal.  Next time you come in I can snip it off.

Me:  Whoa, whoa, whoa - I don't like the word snipping in connection with my vag.

Husband:  Can I see?

Side Note: Yes, that’s my husband chiming in. Don’t ask why he was with me, I don’t have an answer.

OBGYN:  Of course, take a look.

Me:  By all means honey, take a look deep inside the abyss of my crotch at my polyp. Let’s really keep the hot mystery alive.

Husband:  *makes horrified face*

Me: What?! Is it bad?!

Husband:  That is crazy looking ... what causes that?

OBGYN:  Oh, it just happens sometimes.  There’s a lot of blood vessels and mucous in there that can cause it.  It’s harmless, but could cause spotting for her.

Husband:  *still looks horrified, but appears distant as if it just occurred to him he has been "coming in contact" with my freak polyp all these years without knowing it.*

Me:  Ok, you’re done Rob. Thanks!

Husband:  Ugh, sick babe.

Me:  I said you’re done!

OBGYN:  Alrighty, let’s check your cervix. *inserts what feels like entire boxing glove fist and pushes down on stomach*

Me:  Really gettin’ on in there - I can tell you've done this before.

OBGYN:  *turns to Rob* Is she always like this?

Husband:  Yes.

OBGYN:  Ok, let me give you a quick manual breast exam ...

Me:  *tries to not make eye contact while my boobs are being gently (and very nicely, might I add) worked over by another woman*

OBGYN:  Have you had this mole checked?

Me:  No, I’ve always had it. It’s my nemesis - just hiding there under my boob.  Sad.  Dark. Alone. Hideous.

OBGYN:  It’s like a third nipple  ...

Me:  Oh, I see.

Husband:  That’s what I called it yesterday!

Me:  Ok, you know what?  Why are you here, Rob?

OBGYN:  Ok, honey.  You’re all done ... 

Husband:  Um, yes - Doctor? When can we get that polyp removed?