Conversations with My Husband: Farting Rules

Me:   We need to readdress our rules for farting in front of each other.   At the end of the day, I still need to find you attractive.

Husband:   Oh yeah?  This coming from the girl who laughed last time.

Me:   I laughed because the quality of sound surprised me, and because it scared our dog.  Deep down, I was really pissed and grossed out.

Husband:   Does this rule apply to you?  Because I recall you letting loose in the kitchen earlier.

Me:   That’s different, I didn’t think it would make a noise.  Anyway, don’t change the subject.  We need to go in the bathroom like civilized people.

Husband:   Fine.

Me:   I’m serious.  The last time we made an agreement you just stood in the bathroom doorway and made eye contact with me while you practically crapped your pants.  That’s not what I’m referring to.

Husband:    Ok, fine!  I don’t see what the big deal is.

Me:   Really?  You want your beautiful wife letting it rip all over the house?

Husband:   I don’t care.

Me:   Alright then, let’s see if you care now …

Husband:   What are you doing? 

Me:   *Silence*

Husband:   Are you trying to fart? 

Me:   *Silence*

Husband:   You’re popping blood vessels in your face … stop.

Me:   *silence*

Husband:   Seriously?  This is pathetic. 

Me:   *silence*

Husband:   *silence*

Me:   *silence*

Husband:   Stop looking me in the eyes, it’s creepy.

Me:   *lets out big breath*  I don’t have one in the chamber, but when I do – you’re going to beg for the farting rules to be reinstated.