Me: Ok, so we're really doing it this time, right? Our holiday weight is coming off NOW! NO EXCUSES! NO MORE PUTTING IT OFF! WE'RE DOING THIS!
Husband: We're doing it! I am so miserable - I'm really ready this time. Me and you babe.
Me: Ok - starting now - no sugar, only a small amount of complex carbs and we're counting calories. Right?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Me: Um, based off what we just said, I was thinking eggs.
Husband: Eeeeeegggs? Ugh, that sounds terrible.
Me: Ok, well fatty patties can't be choosers - so we're eating eggs.
4 Hours Later ...
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: Watching the game?
Me: What are you drinking?
Husband: Sam Adams. What's with all the obvious questions?
Me: Uhhhhhhh ... beer isn't included in our weight loss program - sir.
Husband: Eh, it's just one beer - it won't hurt anything.
Me: You're joking right? I've been pep talking like a maniac for the past week and on the first day you're drinking beer? Dump it out. We're the Thomas' - we don't cheat on our diet within moments of committing to it.
Husband: Are you serious? Fine, I'll dump it out, but this is ridiculous. Perfectly good beer wasted ... I'm a grown man talking to me like ...
Me: This is ridiculous? You're ridiculous! Drinking a beer like it doesn't have carbs ... here's some ice water. Enjoy.
One Hour Later ...
Me: Oh crap. The ice cream parlor down the street has Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie ice cream today.
Husband: Really? How do you know?
Me: They posted it on their Facebook wall.
Husband: Well unlike their page, you're not getting ice cream.
Thirty Minutes Later ...
Husband: Great! Now you have me thinking about ice cream! And also a hamburger and fries ...
Me: I can't stop thinking about it either. Mint chocolate is my favorite and they hardly ever have the Thin Mint flavor ...
Husband: We can't do it. Right? I mean ...
Me: Well, I know we said no sugar - but weight loss really is a numbers game if you care more about being skinny than being healthy - and right now I'm thinking I just care about being skinny.
Husband: I'm listening ...
Me: So, if we both get a waffle cone with three scoops, we could just not eat for the next two days and still come out on top.
Husband: I don't think that's possible, but we can pretend it is ...
Me: No! What are we doing?! We can't do this! *grabs husband by the shoulders* Get it together, man! Summer is coming and my hot shorts are tight on my thighs! Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!! NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY FEELS!!!!!
Husband: I'm pretty sure Thin Mint ice cream does.
Me: You're right. Let me get my purse.