Me: Hey! You're home!
Husband: I wanted to get home before you did. Well ... what do you think?
Me: About what?
Husband: Look around, notice anything different?
Me: Umm ... I don't think so ...
Husband: I cleaned up the kitchen!
Me: Oh, you did? *looks puzzled* Yes, I see ...
Husband: What, you don't notice? I put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and I swept and everything!
Me: You emptied and loaded the dishwasher? That's great babe, such a wonderful help, thank you.
Husband: What do you mean, emptied?
Me: Well, you had to take out the clean dishes to put in the dirty ones, right?
Husband: *silence*
Me: You just dumped dirty dishes on top of the clean ones?
Husband: They seemed dirty to me ...
Me: Um. No they didn't. Did you even look? Nevermind, I'm sorry - that's ok ... doesn't hurt to wash them aga ... what's this?
Husband: Hmm, I don't know what that is. It wasn't there when I washed down the counters ...
Me: I think it's dried marinara. It's a pretty big blob - you didn't see it? Did you just run the washcloth gingerly right on top ... or ... ?
Husband: Ok, well - I tried to do something nice and unexpected and all you do is criticize.
Me: I'm not criticizing, I'm just trying to understand your thought process. Ok, walk me through it. You're cleaning the kitchen, you wet the cloth, you start going over the countertops then BAM! Dried marinara. Did you freeze with anxiety? Did you run the cloth over it - and when nothing happened - give up in despair? Were you afraid of it, so you just went around it like it was diseased?
Husband: I didn't see it, ok? I don't like your sarcasm.
Me: Ok, ok - I'm just teasing ... I'm sorry, I'll drop it.
Husband: Thank y...
Me: I mean, it's a little odd there's dried marinara on the countertop the size of a dinner plate and you didn't see it ... but, no, no I'm sorry - thank you for helping. I'll get dinner started ... hmmm ... where's the dutch oven?
Husband: Hubbata whatta?
Me: That thick green pot - where is it?
Husband: I put it in the cupboard with the plates.
Me: Holy crap, seriously? There's no room in there ... ok, well I see you found a way to force room.
Husband: What's the problem now? I can't even put pots away properly?
Me: A 30 lb pot on top of dinner plates? Honey - honestly!
Husband: Ok, well "Surprise! You're welcome!" ... I'm gonna watch TV.
Me: Okay, okay ... you're right. I'm sorry ... forgive me ... ew, uck - what the heck is this?
Husband: What happened?
Me: What did I just step on?
Husband: Oh, um ... I think that's the dirt pile I made when sweeping.