My friend Brady and I were rocking Vegas and decided to ride the coasters on top of the Stratosphere. It was late and we were the only ones around.
Except for the girl running the thing who looked like a 12 year old operating a torture chamber for baby bunnies. Unqualified and deeply depressed.
As I got in my seat, I started to panic. My chair wasn't locking.
"Hello?" I said. "My chair isn't locking!"
No one cared.
"Don't worry about it, you'll be fine." Brady said.
I started thrashing the bar up and down, working myself into a frenzy.
Brady was serenely staring off in to the distance. "Doesn't this view look incredible?"
With terror in my eyes, I look at Brady and continued to thrash around.
Suddenly, I notice a mousy girl walking slowly up the ramp.
Odd. We're in Vegas. She's alone waltzing on up to the Stratosphere like she's at a local carnival.
No matter. My seat won't lock and I'm going to be dying soon.
"You can sit wherever you want," said the preteen in charge of a gigantic device that can kill people.
Slowly and meticulously the weird girl walked around eyeing down each seat. Brady and I were the only ones there so she had about 30 empty seats to choose from.
The obvious choice, clearly, was to sit right next to me.
"Seriously you guys, someone lock my seat," I said quieter this time, my lip quivering.
Then all the sudden it locked and I was totally fine.
Well, except for the fact it was so tight it forced my boobs into a desperately small hole. But whatever, I'm going to survive, so it's cool.
Brady started rambling on about who knows what as if we aren't about to be launched in to the air at a million miles per hour.
"Hey - B. Let's chit chat about sales at the Sunglass Hut when we're not about be launched ..."
I wish I could play audio of the guttural, Braveheart scream that emerged deep from my loins at this moment.
Within seconds we were shot 1000 feet above the strip at a speed that makes your eyelids flap.
At some point, Brady's eyes googled as he continued to look serenely off into the distance. I looked up and screamed as if I was the main star of Saw IV.
And the weird girl? Well, obviously she forgot to put her head back.