Outrageous

The Five Most Uncommon Ways to Procrastinate on the Internet

The Five Most Uncommon Ways to Procrastinate on the Internet via @HaHasforHooHasWARNING: The following list will directly effect your productivity in every way. Don't blame me, blame the guy who invented the world wide web and the other guy who invented our human thirst for knowledge.

I'd like to take a moment here to share with you five of the most uncommon ways to procrastinate on the internet. You know, for all the times your to-do list goes onto the back of the already-mile-long sheet of paper you have pinned on the cork board above your desk. This thing right here is about to save your life from productivity and boredom. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perceived Crisis, Meet Actual Crisis

Perceived Crisis, Meet Actual Crisis via @HaHasforHooHas

...If you have answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, Proceed to "Actual Crisis Protocol" which includes, but is not limited to, calling 9-1-1. 

If you answered "No", then please follow "Perceived Crisis Protocol." 1. Take a breath. 2. Sit down. 3. Consciously make your voice three octaves lower than is your first crisis-loving instinct...

 

 

 

 

How to Scare Your Husband and (Almost) Get Punched in The Face

Crap We Don't Need But Maybe You Do: ComfyBreasts

For years, I've struggled with a major purchase decision: Which body pillow do I buy?

I've spent tireless hours in the pillow aisle at Target debating the different features available to me. Do I go with the body pillow that wraps around me, or I wrap around it...

Can We Make This a Thing?

HooHas Against Humanity Episode 2 Call for Contestants

HooHas Against Humanity Call for Contestants via @HaHasforHooHas

We're doing it again, y'all. Neither of us are from a state where saying "y'all" is something that happens, ever. (Well, Jess is in LA, but all those accents are a sham.) 

You wanna play? 

You wanna play to freakin' win?

We're on the hunt for a few of our fans to play another game of HooHas Against Humanity on Thursday! 

My Mother, Myself

My Mother, Myself via @HaHasforHooHas

Before leaving the house for work this morning I conducted my usual routine of wandering around from room to room gathering up the gear that I thought I would need to get through the day. With coffee in one hand and a fruit smoothie in the other I headed for the door precariously balancing a variety of tote bags stuffed with an assortment of useful items I deemed necessary so that I might survive my 12 hour shift as Saturday receptionist at the old folk’s home. I made it out the door without incident and didn’t even get tangled up on the door knob or spill blueberry juice on my freshly laundered ensemble...

That Time The Pioneer Woman Said "I Love HooHas" to Anna and Anna Died Dead

There must be something magical about me, because I keep accidentally running into celebrities standing all by themselves in hallways. Naturally, I can tell immediately that they’re equally excited to meet me when I run up to them with my heavy mouth breathing and a wild look in my eyes.

There was that one time I crept up behind Ana Gasteyer while I was in Dallas (wait, that reminds me - I should probably follow up with her since she hasn’t been returning my Twitter DMs and messages I’ve left with her agent’s assistant. She must be really swamped - I hope she’s okay!) This past week, I attended the BlogHer '13 conference in Chicago. Ree Drummond, also known as The Pioneer Woman, was one of the keynotes. Admittedly, I don’t follow her work or her show on Food Network too much, but I will be damned if I’ll miss an opportunity to wow a celeb with my overwhelming charms, awkwardness and wild “Bette Midler in Beaches” hair (it was humid in Chicago).

This photo was taken of Ree and I having a quiet weekend of cooking, laughing and relaxing together in her Oklahoma home.

The good news is that I didn’t say “balls” 13 times with Ree Ree (I call her Ree Ree now because we're on a nickname status, FYI) like I did with Ana. The bad news is that I’m pretty sure I appeared to be a frazzled lunatic.

A Tricycle Wants To Give Us An Award

Red Tricycle's Parenting Humor Award Nomination via @HaHasforHooHas

Attendant Has Been Notified To Commit You

Assistance Has Been Notified to Commit You via @HaHasforHooHas

"Attendant has been notified to assist you..."

Me, frowning slightly. "But I don't need any assistance, helpful computer check out stand...

Jenny Talks in Her Sleep Like a Crazy Freak

This post was originally published August 30th, 2012.

(I didn’t intend for that to rhyme, but I’m rolling with it.)

When people mumble in their sleep, it’s one thing.  When people open their eyes and have long conversations with you like they’re tripping on acid, it is quite another.

Luckily, Jen and I have families now and aren’t having daily sleepovers anymore.  I mean, we were best friends so it was fun and all, but once the lights went out and we laid our heads on our pillows, I knew it was coming.  Jenny would lie there, quiet at first. I would wait and listen for her breathing.  Once it became slow and labored, I pulled the comforter up to my chin and waited.

Soon, she would twist her head around like Chuckie, look at me with evil crazy eyes, and say something like, “I saw a purple rhinoceros, want to lick it?”

I mean, honestly, who can go back to bed after someone says that crap to them two inches from their face?

And that’s the worst part.  She looks you in the face.

Right through her crazy eyes.

When I first discovered her sleep talking in college, I would be really sweet to her.  As she would talk loudly in her sleep about something perfectly coherent yet totally ridiculous, I would speak back to her gently.

“Shhh, Jenny - you’re sleeping.  Okay?  You’re sleeping.  Go back to sleep.”

“But I’m not done killing the peanut butter bricks.  Have you seen my peanut butter bricks?”

“No, honey, you’re talking like a freaking crazy person.  Now lay down and sleep, ok?  Shhh ...”

“Put a pretzel in it, like a sword.”

“That’s enough now, night night.”

But after our 15th sleep over, I was over it.  Way over it.

“I gotta be there at 10 o’clock and if I’m not there at 10 o’clock I’ll get the cricket dump truck calling my Napster.”

“Shut up, Jenny.”

“No, listen.  But what time is it?  Is it 9 o’clock?  I need to be there at 9!”

“Well what time do you need to be there?  10 or 9?  Get your facts straight,” I’d sass back.  Like, in her sleep, she was being stupid or something. “Now, stop looking at me with your crazy eyes.  Shut your face and go to bed.”

“But ...”

“That’s enough freak talker!  And I said stop looking me in the eyes!!!”

I feel sorta bad recalling my verbal abuse now, but seriously, she was horrible.

 

(Jenny refused to take a mock sleeping picture like I demanded requested because I was recently trolled a couple times about my vivacious, gorgeous, dynamic, charsmatic hair and now she's nervous.  Pffft. So, in a desperate attempt to find a picture of a woman sleeping I took this screenshot of Jenny from this video about some hilarious boob product called Kush Support.)

One night, for some reason, we both fell asleep in her college dorm room on her tiny top bunk.  (Don’t ask, I don’t have an answer.) I woke up in a jolt, like something was wrong.  Very wrong.

HooHas Road Trip to BlogHer131

The HooHas are going on a road trip y'all! 

And it happens to be through America's most majestic land of the free, IOWA!

Of course we can't be the ones to have all the fun. During the road trip, we will be recording Vine videos that we'll post on Twitter. At these special stops, we'll ask our fans trivia questions. The HooHas fan to get the answer right, first - will win really fun crap!

Keep your eyes peeled to Twitter throughout the day today, as well as notifications we'll post on Facebook for updates, vids and more.

See you in Chi-Town suckas!

Twelve Steps To Thrifting Recovery

Twelve Steps To Thrifting Recovery via @HaHasforHooHas

It has been over one month since my last trip to the DI. I am addicted to thrift shopping, and until now I have believed the best price is always free.

Explaining What I Do For a Living to Old Ladies is More Awkward than I Expected

If someone would have told me when I was a little girl that one day I would grow up to have several awkward interactions with the elderly as I try to explain what I do for a living, I would have never believed them.

Sometimes, life can be a weird, snaggle toothed mistress you want to hide from your friends. (tweetable)

What To Do When Patrick Dempsey Falls In Love With You

When Patrick Dempsey Falls In Love With You via @HaHasforHooHas

I had the pleasure of getting on the phone with the incredible Patrick Dempsey for an intimate interview about the upcoming season of Grey's Anatomy. What I didn't expect was what kind of intimate this interview was about to become.

Me: Hey Patty D! How are you?...

A Big, Huge Internet Birthday Party Is Happening

Jess' Epic Birthday Party via @hahasforhoohas

Wax On, Wax Off

Wax On, Wax Off via @hahasforhoohas

By this point in my college career I knew I would always be involved in weird crap, it never failed. My friend Amanda and I were watching television in my room one day and were partaking in our usual Sunday night ritual of painting our nails and watching the Kardashians when she looked over at me. 

“What, why are you looking at me like that,” I asked skeptically. The only time people looked at you like that was...

Anna's Favorite Things on Independence Day

As I spend the Fourth of July with my family, eating my body weight in flag cake, I would be remiss if I didn't share with all of you a few of my most favorite things on Independence Day.

Kind of like Oprah, except you won't actually get any of it and if you did, you would politely return it to me and ask me to burn it.

Patriotic Sequined Vests

Plastic Surgery and A Platter of Wasted Hot Dogs

Well, it’s official. The plastic surgery phenomenon has arrived in our neighborhood. It really shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. As a group we’ve all talked about what we would have done if we could afford it. I even entered myself into one of those massive make-over shows. I purposely wore my horrible, pink muumuu for the extra horror factor. I never heard back. At first, I took this as a good sign. Apparently my problems weren’t severe enough to warrant a televised make-over event. Then I began to worry. Maybe my problems were so serious that the show wrote me off as a lost cause.

It's Official. I'm an Annoying Dog Person.

Well, it’s official folks. I’m one of those annoying dog people.

And I don't even care.

As you talk about your precious, human children, I talk about Bruno as if it's totally the same.

As you call telling me about your problems, I interrupt you to tell you something cute Bruno is doing right at that moment.

While you're busy at work, I'm sending 13 text pictures of Bruno in slightly different yet equally adorable poses.

I have a problem and the first step to recovery is admitting it.

I was never a dog person. It’s not that I didn’t like them, necessarily, it’s just that most of them want to sniff my crotch for an awkward amount of time.

No, seriously. Out of a room full of people, dogs go straight for me. And I’m freshly showered, thank you, so I don’t know why it keeps happening and it leaves me confused and it kind of hurts my feelings.

So, how I ended up with one is anyone’s guess, but if your guess is that my husband really, really wanted one and then I saw this face and needed to be revived from his adorable charms, then you’re a great guesser.

 

Of course, I had ground rules. It was important that our dog received good training and discipline. For a lot of reasons, but mainly this one:

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