Outrageous

When I Went to a Haunted House and Basically Paid to Be Terrorized For an Hour

I can't even believe I’m typing this, but my haunted house experience was so outrageous, as a warning, this post may be a trigger for people with PTSD, or are survivors of abuse.

I thought I was going to Minneapolis to dress up in costume and dance like I’ve never danced before.

Little did I know, most of my night would be spent in a haunted house laying on a dirty floor in the fetal position while an extremely large man in filthy underwear hovers over me aggressively sniffing my neck.

This is what happens when you’re spontaneous and sign a You-Can’t-Sue-Us-When-We-Do-Things-That-Should-Be-Illegal release form without reading it.

Learn from my mistakes, people.

Like we’ve done since college, one of my closest friends Brady (you may remember him from the most unflattering and outrageous roller coaster picture ever to be taken), decided to dress up as a popular duo for Halloween. We weren’t able to find good lighting for a solid picture, but can you guess who we are? Let me give you a hint: We’re two characters from a popular show. On Netflix. With the word Orange in the title. We’re prisoners. And we’re both women. And lovers.

If you didn’t get it with those hints, then just pretend I’m an emo nurse and Brady is a blonde Jesus in scrubs.

Halloween Costume Photo Finalists

Halloween Costume Photo Finalists via @hahasforhoohas

We looked and laughed and looked and laughed at all of your funny Halloween costume photo submissions and now it's time to show you the top three finalists! 

I Wish It Were Halloween Everyday

Halloween is my absolute favorite holiday. The pumpkins, the leaves, the spooky chill in the air. 

My son however does not share this love. 

If he could lock himself in the house during this season of ghosts and goblins, he would.

I don't even know when this fear started, but it's there to this day. I recall him being about 4 years old. We were getting ready to trick or treat and before we left, a kid in a ghost mask came to our door for candy. My son saw him through the glass and high-tailed it into the kitchen, hid under the kitchen table, (hate to break it to you son, but tables offer no protection from ghosts) and refused to come out. The following year, my son's father's workplace sponsored a Halloween hay ride/party. We were sitting at a picnic table happily eating our hotdogs and s'mores when a zombie type creature came onto my son's radar. He dove, head first, under the table. In his terror, he didn't notice the rusty nails in his dive path, and managed to catch them with the top of his left eyebrow. He emerged from under the table, bloody and screaming. It took me a minute to realize that the zombie had not caught up with him under the table, that in fact it was the sharp nails sticking out under there.

My love for scary movies during this season has not rubbed off on him either.

Four Days Left + A Dream Boat

We don't want to make a big fuss about it or anything, so we'll just leave this right here for you...

Four Days Left + A Dream Boat via @hahasforhoohas #hahasfortatas


Only a few days left to get your #HooHasforTaTas tees for 10% off! Everybody's doing it over here. Even Ryan Gosling.

Plus? The same portion of the proceeds from each shirt sale are directly benefiting the fine work of the Breast Cancer Research Foundation

A Surprising Discovery About Our Distant Relatives

Martha Stewart Caption Party

Martha Stewart Caption Party via @hahasforhoohas

(Photo by Amy Bellgardt)

​If you had to caption this remarkably priceless photo of Martha Stewart, what would you say?!

We want to hear the zingers you've got! We'll be picking our favorites from the comments below and over on Facebook to share them here next Wednesday! 

::snort:: tulle ::snort::

What Kind of Candy Giver Are You?

Answer each question and tally the score for your unscientific, totally made up results!

 

When attending a costume party, you wear:

 

1) A costume that costs $300 + 300 hours to make.

2) A set of cat ears and call it a day.

3) Oh crap, I was supposed to wear a costume?

4) I don’t do costumes.

5) A doctor's white coat and bucket of floss.

6) Arrive right on time in a costume that’s not terrible, but you’re not winning any awards with it either.

 

 

When surrounded by children, you:

 

1) Pull out balloons and start making balloon animals like a pro.

2) Tell them to get off your lawn.

3) Make fart noises with your arm pits.

4) Tell them stories while passing around caramel hard candies.

5) Teach them safety tips.

6) What kids? Oh these kids? I don’t know.

 

 

When socializing at a party, you:

 

1) Work the room. At times you lay it on a little thick.

2) Spend most your time rustling around in the potato chip bowl.

3) Show up late.

4) Fall asleep on a comfortable chair in the corner.

5) Ask strangers if they’ve ever had braces.

6) Sure, you'll make an appearance, but you're leaving when Law and Order comes on.

 


 

Totally Made Up Results:

 

1 - 3: Candy Bar Giver!

4 - 6: Candy Corn Giver!

7 - 9: Random Pantry Food Giver!

10 - 12: Nasty Taffy Giver!

13 - 15: Toothbrush Giver!

16 - 18: Chocolate Chew Giver!  

 

See your description below!

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A Hilarious Halloween Costume Contest

A Hilarious Halloween Costume Photo Contest via @hahasforhoohas

"Buck up, little ticked off lion! Halloween ain't so bad!" -The Ecstatic Witch

Halloween is one of our favorite times of the year. We get to dress up as things we want to dress up as and sometimes things we'd never dress up as, but we were kids so we had to let our parents do the bidding when it came to costuming. Don't get me wrong here, I love my mother dearly, but the span of a few Halloweens where she was convinced that balloons could be made into any costume imaginable left me with balloon popping PTSD so don't invite me to your birthday party or a used car sale. I won't hold up very well. 

We know you all have some pretty hilarious Halloween costume photos too and so we thought we'd get really competitive about it. From now through Sunday, October 27th, we want you to send in your most incredible Halloween costume photos so we can pee our pants laughing and then make complete strangers vote on whose was the most hilarious of them all. Then the winner is going to get their hands on a sweet $50 iTunes gift card. So that's also a pretty rad thing to get out of embarrassing yourself to millions of people on the internet. Right? 

All you have to do is submit your photo by clicking HERE

We'll be looking them over Sunday night and posting our favorite finalists for the rest of you to vote on starting Monday.

Hurry it up! What are you waiting for? Call your mother now to try and teach her how to scan pictures and email them over to you! This could take a while...

 

Open Call For Fall-Inspired Stories

Open Call for Fall-Inspired Stories via @hahasforhoohas

Oh, hay! We're collecting hilarious fall-inspired stories from our fans to publish on our Guest Contributor Mondays through the end of November! 

Passively Aggressively Yours: Office Fridge Drama

Submitted by Cally O'Loughlin Egan. 

People here at work like to steal lunches (a-holes), so every day I leave a note on my lunch. Here is the note I left yesterday:

Ever received or given a hilarious (although maybe not intended to be at the time) note for someone? Send it our way for a chance to be featured on HooHas. Submit and upload photo HERE!

*Submitters may choose to remain anonymous or receive credit for published submissions, just let us know your preference.

A Shop Discount and Some Stamos Eye Candy

John Stamos Can Spot A Good Looking Deal From A Mile Away via @hahasforhoohas #hoohasfortatas

Obviously Anna's long time lover, John Stamos, knows a good deal when he sees one. Obviously.

We can't believe how much you all have loved the limited time Breast Cancer Awareness tees we designed so we decided that for the last ten days of the official Breast Cancer Awareness Month, we'd slap a discount on the tees in the shop. 

Head on over to the shop now to get your hands on one (or two or three or twelve) of your own. And remember that a portion of the proceeds from the sale of every shirt go directly to benefit the Breast Cancer Research Foundation.


You into that tweeting thing? Let everyone know you and John Stamos support boobs by clicking here.

I'm Married to A Real Stud, Ladies

I get some pretty quirky stuff in my inbox on a daily basis, but a Café Mom article someone forwarded me a while back is on course to set a record. The title read, "When Her Husband Dies, She Plans to Turn Him into Jewelry." Apparently, she told her husband (who hasn’t kicked the bucket yet) that she planned on having him made into a diamond after he died. His response? “How much is that going to cost?” What do you care, Tightwad Timmy? You’ll be dead. Besides, she’ll have that nice life insurance policy payout and your social security check to cover it. With plenty, I’m sure, left over to invite the buffed pool guy to join her in Aruba.

This couldn’t possibly be true, I thought. It ranks up there with Walt Disney cryogenically freezing his head, or Dale Evans stuffing her horse, Trigger. (Or was it a Roy Rogers she stuffed? I can’t remember.) So just for grins I googled “jewelry made out of cremation ashes” and sure enough countless websites popped up that educate you on the wonders of turning your dearly departed into a lovely ankle bracelet (or whatever). Here’s how it works. Since we’re carbon-based forms, that carbon turns to a pile of ash when we’re cremated. From there that ash can be pressed into jewelry the same way cubic zirconium diamonds, and even precious metals, are made. I kid you not.

Waiting for Tiffany

There aren’t very many people I’ve told this to, only every single person I’ve met in real life. So it’s time I tell you all in the hopes that you share this story so the whole world knows. And by whole world, please include Tiffany. Because she said she was going to call me 10 year ago and guess what? I’m still waiting.

Yes, I said TiffanyThat Tiffany. From the 80s. Not Tiffani Amber Thiessen, she’s from the 90s. Tiffany … what’s her last name? Let me Google it. Holy crap, it’s Darwish. Did you guys know it was Darwish? Mind = Blown.

Well, about 10 years ago she said she was going to call me. I’m still waiting and quite frankly, I’m starting to suspect she was just paying me lip service.

Here’s how it went down:

Who Doesn't Like a Good Meat-Flinging Every Now and Then?

Who Doesn't Like a Good Meat-Flinging Every Now and Then? via @hahasforhoohas

I entered Fuddruckers, with my two small children, needing a quick bite to eat before nap. My 2 year old has previously been throwing a fit over Lord knows what while my 12 month old smiled and farted rainbows. He's that happy.

Fuddruckers is a great place to eat with families- music is loud enough that boisterous children can't be heard, casual setting and best of all, they give free cookies to kids.

Old Man "Shusher"

Anna's 5 Stages of "Oh Crap, I Think I'm Sick Stages of Grief"

As many of you have pieced together by now, Jessi and I were off on a Halloween video shoot over the weekend. On the last day she came down the stairs and said, “Oh man, my throat feels terrible. I had a fever last night and it just broke.”

My gentle response to her was, “Oh no! Can I get you anything?” but in my thoughts I said, “Get away from me, devil woman!!”

Upon returning from our video making adventure, I woke up at my loft in the beginning stages of the Oh Crap, I Think I'm Sick Stages of Grief. I’m now at the final stage, Acceptance, and would like to share these stages as a helpful guide to getting you through a cold or flu crisis.

Denial

The first reaction to learning you might be getting sick is to deny the reality of the situation. When I woke up, my throat felt like I was perpetually swallowing gravel, but I refused to believe that illness was a possibility.

HooHas on Set: We're Worse Actors Than We Look

Where to even start on what we got into this weekend. Where to even effing start.

Let's start with this little bit of inspiration from our good pal, Willy Shat (we're close like that): 

Hoohas On Set: We're Worse Actors Than We Look via @hahasforhoohas

Anna and I are up to some wicked hilarious shenanigans that all of you, yes even you, mom, are going to have to deal with seeing. And laughing your butts off. And your faces may fall off, too. Basically I'd experience everything that's about to come at you bro from your computer screen from the comfort of the closest floor/ground because...well...lemme point a few of the highlights out here with pictures. Because pictures are always way fun. 

The Day Pinterest Set My Face on Fire

Mix an egg yolk with some honey, they said.

Use it as a face mask, they said.

The Day Pinterest Set My Face on Fire via @hahasforhoohas

It will smooth your wrinkles, shrink your pores, get rid of fine lines, and make you look like Cate Blanchett, they said. Jonny Depp will float down from the sky, murmur sweet nothings, and caress your face, they said.

Okay, they didn't say that. Whatever. Let's not split hairs.

So I mixed it up with all the fervor of Dr. Moreau. (He mixed things, right?)

Sabatoging a Massage and Other Things I Did While Being Rubbed Down By a Stranger

As much as I love massages, as I wait for my appointment, I have to admit that there’s a small part of me that worries about who will be the stranger rubbing down my body in lavender scented essential oils.

My very first massage was when I lived in California. I was excited for it, but a little nervous. I had no idea what to expect and had questions like, “What will I do with my hands?”

My husband Rob was getting one too and when his masseuse came back to get him, she looked like a lovely, strong, older woman who probably taught a spin class part-time. I wished him well.

Then out came a young girl who I thought was probably working the front desk.  She looked like Honey Boo Boo at age 15, except red headed with freckles and looked really sweaty. I assumed she had just cleaned the sauna or something and kept flipping the pages of my 3 year old People magazine. Did you guys know Jon and Kate Gosselin got divorced??

“Anna?” she called my name scanning the room even though I was the only one sitting in the waiting area.

Crap You Don't Need But Maybe We Do: Blandito

Crap You Don't Need But Maybe We Do: Blandito via @hahasforhoohas

I don't know about you, but I love hanging out in tacos with my best friends. One time, Anna and I chilled in a taco for three days straight before I ate all the shredded cheese and the tomatoes made it totally soggy. 

I guess you could say that that's the downfall of hanging out in legit taco shells. There's an end to an experience as close and intimate as that, and why would you ever want to subject yourself to a parting of ways just because that fruit that pairs better with vegetables (and cheese and seasoned beef/chicken) shows up to ruin the whole damn thing?! Well, I wouldn't. I refuse to let it happen anymore actually.

Apparently the angels of friendly closeness have heard my prayers for a product that will revolutionize the act of taco snuggling with friends: The Blandito.

You Are No Longer Welcome Here Ma'am

You Are No Longer Welcome Here Ma'am via @hahasforhoohas

Sometimes our reader, Cathy, isn't quite sure how to control the things that come out of her mouth...

“Take her down, Missy Rae! She ain’t nothin’ but a beat down skank! And so’s her mama!” - And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at my daughter’s soccer games.

"Praise God that I am not addicted to looking at inappropriate pictures on beefcakes.com. Thank you, Lord, I don’t have that cross to bear like Pastor Dale and his wife, Niecy." - And that’s why I am no longer welcome to be a member of the End of Ages Holy House of Angels on Fire “praise team.”

“Why don’t you “prissies” just lighten up and get your freak on!” - And that’s why I am no longer welcome to attend PTA meetings anymore.

“C’mon Booger Bear, let’s streak through the hot wax!” - And that’s why I am no longer welcome at the Speedy Kwik car wash.

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