Outrageous

Bad, Terrible, Horrible Version of O Holy Night

It's such a beautiful time of the year to bundle up and sing Christmas carols all the live long day. Or is it...

Really, what is there to say about something like this that is equal parts glorious and terrible? Nothing. No words left in the whole entire vocabulary of words except, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I wished for a few seconds that you all knew how atrocious my singing voice can be so that you could understood the level of joy and cry-laughing I experience every.single.time. I watch this video. And I've watched it a lot. I'm fairly certain I'm going to have the hiccups for the rest of my life from all the sharp intakes of breath I've done when this thing is rolling.

And no. I don't think that I'm building it up too much. Trust me.

You can download the 'original' song on iTunes. And get yourself better acquainted with Martin Landry(the guy with the mad lip syncing skills) and Trey Tatum, immediately!

The Third Annual Inappropriate Elf Contest Is On and Poppin'

The Third Annual #InappropriateElf Contest Is On and Poppin' via @hahasforhoohas

It's that time of year again where our elves start getting inappropriate and all the deets on how your #InappropriateElf could win you an iPad Air or Nintendo 2DS! 

If Adults Had Tantrums Like Toddlers

So you're saying that other adults don't​ do this? :/ -Jess

Things That Make Me Irrationally Ragey: Part Deux

Guess what, friends? So many things apparently make me so irrationally ragey, I've made a part deux! Some I've listed here were inspired by you, the fans, by the comments left in the first post. The rest, of course, were inspired by the Christmas Spirit. Enjoy!

Christmas Light Hell

Last year, when I took my Christmas lights off the tree, I meticulously rolled and organized them in such a way so that the following year, I would be able to pull them out of the box and wrap them around my new tree with ease.

Yet, somehow, sitting in an undisturbed box for one year evidently causes lights to get more tangled than my web of lies when someone calls me when I'm asleep and I try to play it off like I just got back from a run.

The most cruel twist to my tangled lights fiasco is that it really doesn’t matter they’re tangled because miraculously, half of the lights that worked beautifully when they were last unplugged are now acting like buttholes.

Seriously Christmas lights? Seriously? Is this some prank to knock my Christmas Spirit down a few pegs? Why don’t you just break my Mariah Carey Christmas CD in half while you’re at it?

A Very Public Lesson in Body Hair

A Very Public Lesson in Body Hair via @hahasforhoohas

Growing up is a very vital part of life.

Luckily for me, I had a great, and thankfully patient, teacher in my mother. 

Like most little girls, I was curious. Always asking the hard-hitting questions, I'm sure I proved to be the most obnoxious of the three of us girls. No matter how  incomprehensible the questions I posed could be, my mom was willing to constantly bestow the answers which I would later come learn were 73% BS to get me to hush up for a few minutes of peace. 

I remember the day I learned about the human body's fascinating ability to grow body hair like it was yesterday. And when I say "I remember it like it was yesterday" I obviously mean my mom has retold this story so many times, especially in front of new people in my life who are interested to know what Jess was like as a young girl, that it was probably brought up yesterday so that's why it's so fresh. 

Santa Uses Amazon Wishlists

Find out why this letter is totally genius!

Santa Uses Amazon Wishlists via @hahasforhoohas

I'll Admit It. I'm Terrified of Inexplicable Stains.

I find I'm only deathly afraid of a few things. Dying a Saw movie-esque death, Caillou, and an unidentified, inexplicable stain found in my house or on my person.

Yesterday, I was gathering items around the house for a load of laundry when I was stopped dead in my tracks. 

There it was, staring me right in the eyes. 

A stain. That looked like blood. Or maybe chocolate. Or maybe poop.

Sometimes Our Friends Suck At Saving

Ever forget Black Friday plans?

Happy Thanksgiving, HooHas!

We're so thankful for all of you and all of this stuff and hope you have a wonderful day full of food, family, and pumpkin pie farts.

My Nontraditional Yet Very American D.C. Thanksgiving

My Nontraditional Yet Very American D.C. Thanksgiving via @hahasforhoohas

The least traditional Thanksgiving I ever had was in the nation’s capitol.

Ironic, much? I didn’t see even one good pilgrim feast reenactment. Where you at, LARPers of D.C.? That could have played out on the White House lawn like pure theatrical gold. (‘merica!)

My reason for spending turkey weekend on the East Coast had little (see: nothing) to do with pilgrim feasts and more to do with college graduation and $1000 to burn. It turns out that people like to give you money when you earn a bachelor’s degree. In retrospect, I’m not sure if it’s congratulatory or more along the lines of “good luck in the real world and you’ll be needing this cash, you starry-eyed ninny.”

Frankly, I'd Rather Skip to The Ice Cream

Frankly, I'd Rather Skip to The Ice Cream via @hahasforhoohas

There's a time and place for ice cream and I believe the most important time is instead of getting lost in the wilderness. Let me explain…

When we got the news that we'd be relocating to sunny Los Angeles earlier this year, I was ecstatic. I mean this is the birth place of Pinkberry for Pete's sake! I love me some self-serve froyo joints and we were about to live in the mecca. There's not much else that'll help a girl sleep at night, y'know? 

Unfortunately for me, I fell madly in love and made a human being with a marathoner. Excuse me, an ultra marathoner. Steve would have my head if he knew I don't care enough ever to properly title his beautiful love affair with physical movement. Sorry I'm not sorry, honey. Can you pick up a gallon of milk on your way home from work? We're out.

It gets worse though. His weird obsession with "fitness" and "health" and "being jaw-droppingly awesome" has rubbed off on the human we made that I was talking about, so basically I'm screwed.

"Tips" in the Kitchen: Cutting a Squash

I have traveled the world and have discovered the best way to cut open a butternut squash. And now I'm sharing my secret tip with you.

"Tips" in the Kitchen: Cutting a Squash via @hahasforhoohas

It's A Little Woman, Looks Like Mother Goose

Thought you were having a bad Monday? I sure wouldn't want to be this guy with a white shirt and a tie and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. Nope, sure wouldn't.

Planes, Drunk Guys and Automobiles

Sorry, automobiles aren't in this story, I was just trying to be clever playing off of "Planes, Trains and Automobiles" with Steve Martin and John ... ok, you know what? It doesn't matter. Carry on.

I’m a friendly and engaging person with strangers, but I’m not a “let’s talk endlessly about boring crap neither of us really care about” type of person (a smaller, less clunky word I chose not to use for some reason is “small talk”). 

Which is why on airplanes, I tend to keep to myself. Not that some people aren’t fascinating, it’s just that those people usually don’t sit next to me and I’ve been burned far too many times sitting next to men named Ron who complain throughout the entire three hour flight that their wife doesn’t properly balance her checkbook.

By the way, Ron – if you’re reading this - how are the grandkids? Did Joey end up getting the chickenpox?

I usually fly Southwest, which is basically a non-deadly version of the Hunger Games, but don’t get it twisted - I’ll cut a biotch if she tries to get in front of me with her B32 boarding pass when I’m a B29. And don’t think being elderly and honestly having no idea why people are herding together like desperate cattle is an adequate excuse, either. You’re in the jungle baby, and you about to get the middle seat!

But back to my point - talking to strangers.

Jess Shows Off Her Interesting #DisneySide

Share this terrifying hilarity real easy on Twitter by clicking HERE!

Passively Aggressively Yours: How You Like Meow

Passively Aggressively Yours: How You Like Meow via @hahasforhoohas

Submitted by Jack Evans.

This was sent as an open letter (via email) at approximately 2:30pm on day three of my lunch having been stolen from the office kitchen fridge. 

Subsequently, my lunch has never been stolen again. :)

Why Bruno and I Will Be The First to Die During an Apocalypse

I know what you're thinking, “Is that fire shooting up from manholes about a block away from where you live?”

Source: Buzzfeed via Reddit

Why yes, yes it is. This picture that made its rounds on Reddit is right next to my building. Some panel, or wiring or something underground (I'm not an electrician, mmkay?) blew, causing a FOR SERIOUS explosion. You all don't understand, I could have died. What if I had been walking down the middle of the street when this happened?!! I live in a downtown area so I hear quite a bit of nonsense. Drunk people screaming, saxophone players lulling me to sleep and/or totally pissing me off because I can’t hear the New Girl on TV, truck drivers opening up their hatches for a delivery so loudly it sounds like car bombs, etc. etc. So when I heard an odd boom followed by sirens, I wasn’t even paying attention. Until, of course, our lights flickered. Then completely went off. Then it went black.

Cheating Death & Prison: A Survivor's Tale of a (Kinda) Fatal Encounter with Moldy Cheese

Cheating Death & Prison: A Survivor's Tale of a (Kinda) Fatal Encounter with Moldy Cheese via @hahasforhoohas

It was a week or so ago and the day had been a long one.

Clouds were rolling in overhead and by the time I'd picked my kid up from school, the sounds my stomach were making in anticipation of some sort of food rivaled the scale they use to classify tornadoes. It was like that cow from Twister kept flying back and forth through my hollow belly, winds howling, storm chasers pooping their pants in fear that they'd reached The End. 

I nearly closed the door behind me, leaving Dylan on the porch. I had eyes for the refrigerator and safely getting my loved ones through the front door dropped dramatically to the bottom of my list of top life priorities. After reassuring him that "all the cool kids have door knob shaped scars on their foreheads", I made a beeline to the kitchen like I was making a mad dash for the hams on Supermarket Sweep. 

The Importance of Matching Your Underwear to Your Shoes

The Importance of Matching Your Underwear to Your Shoes

I got all dressed for church. I mean I thought I really looked good!

I went to the restroom before the service and ran into a possible new hair customer. We discussed her hair for about 5 minutes then we walked into the hallway and I met her husband who also told me he may call for a haircut. I gave him my card turned and went in to the huge sanctuary.

Walking down the steps, I crossed in front of the ushers and stopped while a couple stepped out to politely let me enter that pew to my seat. The music service had already begun so I stood until that song was finished.

I was singing and praising the Lord clapping my hands and really enjoying myself.

Announcing the Halloween Costume Photo Contest Winner!

Drum roll please...

...even though you can clearly see the winning photo...

...ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba...

And the winner is...

BABY SMASH (submitted by Katy V.)

Announcing the Halloween Costume Photo Contest Winner! via @hahasforhoohas

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