Outrageous

An Open Letter to the Black Hair Under My Chin

iPoo: An Open letter to Shart Phone Users

5 Reasons My Brain is Now Useless, Thanks to My iPhone

Pinterest Food Fails: Some Things Just Shouldn't Be Pinned

It's All Fun and Games Until Anna's Dog Launches A Red Rocket Attack

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that an inappropriately exposed wiener really sucks the oxygen out of a room.

My bulldog Bruno’s red rocket is no exception.

I thought neutering my precious baby boy would be a sure fire way to avoid unwelcomed “run ins” with his genitalia, but I was ill prepared for the unexpected red rocket attacks that would seem to hit at terribly awkward times.

Maybe it’s payback for my toddler years. One time my mom had a group of girlfriends over for a fancy lunch. They were all cackling at the kitchen table having a great time carrying on, until I entered the room. Naked. Casually scooting across the kitchen, riding a watermelon. My mom, suddenly blotchy chested and flushed, awkwardly joked - “I’ll be sure to wash that watermelon before serving ...” then trailed off to quickly call out to my sister who was supposed to be watching me.

Is Bruno’s frequently exposed red rocket my naked watermelon ride?

The first time Bruno flashed unexpected guests in our home it took us all by surprise. English Bulldog’s are pretty ridiculous animals and are usually able to conjure a smile from even the most indifferent dog person, so like a newborn baby, I often show off my baby Bruno with intense nostril flared pride.

As I welcomed my pastor and his wife into our home, knowing they’re big dog people, I allowed Bruno to greet them as they came in.

“Hi Bruno! What a big boy!” As the three of them fell into a pleasant state of mutual love and respect, I gave them a quick tour of our loft. As we rounded the corner to have a seat in our family room - we met Bruno on the couch.

“Oh my! There he is!” said my pastor’s wife. But, what she meant to say was, “MY EYES! My God, what is that? It's terrifying!”

Creepy Guy Tim: A First Date Tale

This morning he casually mentioned he had an extra ticket to an art gallery opening; I think I accepted before he’d even asked me.

Finally, I was getting my chance with Cute Guy Tim. I paired my name with his and twirled it around in my mind...Tim and Shelly. It had a beautiful ring to it.

We planned to meet at the gallery, but he texted asking if I could come to his apartment; he was running late – something about a problem with one of his pets. “Animal lover” – definitely on my future husband list.

How To Pee In Front of a Colleague Gracefully

First, say “Don’t look me in the eyes!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

A few weeks ago, I attended a conference in New Orleans. During one of the session breaks, a colleague and I decided to go make a run for some beignets. 

We found some alright. After two bites my entire face was coated with powdered sugar and my black pants looked like I had a white blanket across my lap. I tried to get it off, but it mostly smeared, putting me in a mild panic. After beating my legs like women used to beat stains out of their dresses with rods, I managed to get to my pants to the “Eff it,” stage where I just didn’t care anymore. My conference friend and my powdered sugar pants were off to do something fun.

The Crazy Faces of Olympic Ice Skating

There is a dark side - or incredible side - to figure skating my friends. It's these faces.

Turns out, the face some people make while spinning at lightening fast speed is the same face I make when I'm PMSing and trying not to cry because my husband loaded the dishwasher wrong AGAIN after I showed him how to do it the right way and I just don't think he even listens to me or cares about my feelings!

A V-Day Tip For the Fellas

Valentine Rejects

The Best Valentine's Day Gifts Your Lover Will Exchange for Something Less Awful

Vagina with Teeth/Bear Sleeping Bag

via

When I first saw this, I thought, "Finally! A vagina sleeping bag that has a woman emerging from it - obviously perfect for Valentine's Day!"

Then I thought, "Is this woman emerging from a vagina with teeth?"

Is it Poop? A HooHas Guide for Parents

Is It Poop? A HooHas Guide for Parents via @hahasforhoohas

excerpts from "My 1992 Diary" = GOLD

Usually on Tuesdays we post something hilarious our kids have either said or spelled badly. It's some of my most favorite things, to be honest.

Today, I'm tossing things up because I just stumbled upon something only my dreams are made of.

A peak inside the drama of a little girl's hilarious diary.

Dawn Luebbe's Tumblr, My 1992 Diary is starting to get a lot of attention as she posts pages from her old diary from the 90s. We emailed back and forth this morning and she gave me permission to post some of her gems.

This will make you want to go dig up your old diary and laugh at yourself - STAT. 

And then there's dramatic tale about bangs ....

Baby Teeth Necklaces and Other Reasons We've Lost Our Damn Minds

BabyCenter has just come out with a list of parenting trends to look out for in 2014. Some of the things on the list didn't surprise or interest me too much. 

One gave me an eye-roll so fierce I panicked when one eye got stuck.

Half Birthday Parties.

As in, not only are we celebrating their birth day - but we're also celebrating that half-way mark to their next birthday.

NOPE.

As if birthday parties for kids haven't become stressful enough? Parents are already trying to create Pinterest approved magic by clearing out Hobby Lobby stores and creating a homemade event that would put a Martha Stewart themed circus to shame - do we really want to start doing this TWICE a year now? Why? Is this like a twisted version of the Hunger Games where parents try to eliminate one another with pure exhaustion by one upping everyone with fabulous and adorable parties?

Anyway, turns out - adding an extra birthday party seems to be the least of our troubles. There was one thing on the list that really got my attention. 

Jewelry made out of baby teeth.

DOUBLE NOPE.

“THE PINTEREST EFFECT”: Victims, Beneficiaries & My Wallet

**Authors Note: I have made up every single fact that I have reported in this blog post. There is no evidence to support a single claim I make. All statistics are based on anecdotal presumptions.

Thank you for taking a break from “pinning” in order to read this post.

I am not under the delusion that a single word I will say to you today will add anything to your life as valuable as what pinterest brings you on a day to day basis, but I am very pleased that you are here. When you are finished, please head straight to the store to pick up a yard of burlap and some PVC pipe for your next project.

The truth is, very little on the web can hold a candle to the phenomenon that is Pinterest. I mean, come on…Preschool lunches featuring organic ingredients cut into silly shapes! How to make a $30 IKEA cabinet into a custom built-in using a hack saw & spray paint! Inspirational quotes shown using hipster graphic design! 431 ways to entertain your 2 year old! A tutorial on how to convert a ratty old sweatshirt into an adorable baby romper! How to make your own Mod Podge, Febreeze, ketchup, bug spray, or even a reed diffuser! It’s all too much. No matter how many pins you’ve seen, you remain in awe that you now hold the key to so much life change and possess such a wealth of knowledge.

You feel inspired to purchase & create…and so does everyone else. This mutual inspiration has caused a ripple effect in the economy that is changing lives for the better… …AND for the worse (cue daunting music).

Today, I will share with you the economic victims of what I call “The Pinterest Effect”…as well as its top beneficiaries.

*VICTIM #1: THE PAINT INDUSTRY:

The Best Christmas Gifts Your Family Will Definitely Return

For Your Parents

 

Heated Snake Rug

via

Do you even SEE how cozy this woman is?

Best Zillow Haunted House Listing EVER

via

UPDATE: I just came across an interview from this home owner. Apparently this listing went viral! I can't help, but feel like HooHas has something to do with that. ;)

That Time I Got Fired for Making Out with Kanye West at Work

That Time I Got Fired for Making Out with Kanye West at Work via @hahasforhoohas

I should preface this post by admitting that I have dreams about celebrities often. Like, all the time. However, the celebrities that make appearances in my dreams are usually those from my laminated card (and if you don't get the 'laminated card reference' ... please go search on YouTube). It's not like I fall asleep and just randomly start thinking about having a conversation about John Stamos or something - more than likely it's Matt Damon. Or Miles Austin. Or Ryan Gosling ...

Anna's Freaking Ridiculous Friday So Far, in GIFs

Last night I was working on my new website and fell down a creative rabbit hole that kept me up until an embarrassing 4 am in the morning. What am I, 15 years old watching YouTube videos?

Anyway, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up with a sun beam shooting directly into my closed eyeballs. Despite being closed, I'm convinced I still have eye damage. Regardless, as I was rudely woken up with eye damage, I stumbled awake and desperately tried to get my crap together.  

Via Imgur

As I'm slowly eating my breakfast, a frightening thought enters my mind. Oh, crap. What's the date today? 

Anna's Fart Story is a Part of a Government Scandal. I Repeat - a Government Scandal!

If you’re a fan of HaHas for HooHas and didn’t just stumble over to our site by Googling “My husband wants me to pee on him, is this normal?” (yes, that’s a real Google search that brought someone to our website – and no ma’am, it isn’t normal), then you’re aware that I wrote a story called The Fart that (Almost) Altered My Destiny two years ago and long story short, it became the fart heard round the world.

Since it went viral, let’s just say some crazy things have happened:

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