Conversations with My Husband

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Husband: What is this?

Me: What are you talking about?

Husband: The box of chocolates - is this a prank?

Me: Seriously. What are you talking about?

Husband: You took a bite out of every - single - one!

Me: Well, not all at once, ok? I'm disciplined. But have I been doing drive bys on the box throughout the day? Yes. What's the big deal?

Husband: The big deal is that you took a bite OUT OF ALL THE CHOCOLATES! Just eat the ones you want!

Me: I was looking for the coconut, which I never found, thank you very much. What kind of box of chocolates doesn't have coconut?

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Rob is on the phone with our Insurance.
 
Husband: Um, I think it's September 26th. Hold on. Babe? Your birthday is the 26th, right?

Me: Is that a joke? That's our anniversary. My birthday is the 28th.

Husband: Oh right, sorry. Her birthday is the 28th. Um, it's probably best you have her cell. It's 402-30 ... babe, what's your cell number again?

Me: Seriously? Rob, we've been together for 7 years!

Husband: It's always been in my phone, just give it to me.

I give Rob my number, he tells the person on the phone and hangs up.

Me: Do you even know me?

Husband: Oh, please. You get my birthday wrong all the time.

Me: No, I don't. It's February 22nd, a week after Valentine's Day.

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Husband: What's I Am Britney Jean?

Me: Um, it's just a show I recorded.

Husband: Oh my god. You recorded a Britney Spears special on E!?

Me: Well, yes. I mean - I would have watched it live, but Long Island Medium and Little People Big World were also recording.

Husband: Really. Britney Spears, Anna?

Me: This is her big comeback, ok? Let the first person who hasn't shaved their head and hit cars with umbrellas and then act crazy and drugged on the X Factor cast the first stone.

Husband: Long Island Medium? Little People Big World

Me: Now that the kids are out of the house - well except for the one kid that's the little person - their marriage is crumbling. I care about these things, ok? I really want them to make it, but Matt seems to be going through a mid-life crisis and Amy doesn't feel loved or appreciated. All of these weddings have been really hard on his joints and he isn't sure he can do it anymore. Why am I even explaining this to you? You don't understand us.

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Husband: You're making me pecan pie for Thanksgiving, right?

Me: Oh, um, eeeeee. I don't know babe. There will be tons of food at our family's Thanksgiving. I think my sister is making apple, I'm making a pumpkin cheesecake and my mom is making regular pumpkin.

Husband: Whaaaat? That's my favorite pie! You're not going to make it for me this year?

Me: Well, I mean, I'm already making so much food. No one really likes it - it's like a corn syrup jelly with pecans on it, you know? Just a little overkill, right?

Husband: What are you talking about? Your mom loves it and you eat it all the time. Actually you eat so much of it when we have it, I get that panicky feeling like I can't trust you alone with it.

Me: Like you with my KIND bars? *opens drawer* Holy crap, you ate all of my KIND bars!

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My husband and I have been faithfully watching Breaking Bad together. First, we binged on Netflix and now we are recording the last season on the DVR and watching the episodes together when we both have time.

Husband: Hey babe, you wanna watch the latest Breaking Bad?

Me: Um. Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want babe.

Husband: Wait. Why are you acting this way? You're obsessed with Breaking Bad and usually scream "Finally!" when I mention watching it.

Me: What? Oh, it's nothing. I'm just busy on the computer is all - just a little distracted. Please, put it on!

Husband: Wow. I seriously can't believe you. How could you do this to me?

Me: Do what? What are you talking about??

Husband:  You watched an episode without me. I know you did. That's why you're acting all bored about it.

 

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After relentlessly hearing all the hub bub over Game of Thrones, my husband and I decided to get the first two seasons. 

Husband: Babe, put your phone away. This show has complicated plot lines and you need to pay attention. 

Me: Alright, geez. Just checking a message. Also, I can follow complicated plot lines, thank you very much.

Husband: I know you can, but you don't - then I have to sit here and explain everything to you and miss the show.

Me: Um, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, don't you ... uh oh, that guy's dead. BOOBS! Close your eyes - BOOBS! Why is that guy important again?

Husband: He's the King's Hand. Remember, he was Lord of the North and then the King made him his Hand in the South?

Me: Oh, right, right. And that blonde guy that looks like Prince Charming in Shrek, is he a Prince or something?

 

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My husband and I had just settled to sleep, laying on our backs - when suddenly a wicked sneeze overcame me.

Husband: Bless you, babe.

Me: Phew, thank you. That came out of nowhere - it was intense.

Husband: OH MY GOD, ANNA - ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Me: What? What'd I do?

Husband:  Your freaking spit mist is falling all over me! *frantically flapping his arms* Ugh, it went in my eyes!

Me:  Oh, please! Why are your eyes open, in the dark, while we're sleeping?

Husband: Your thunder sneeze caused me to open them in alarm, thanks. Why didn't you cover your mouth?

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