Anna

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First, say “Don’t look me in the eyes!”

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

A few weeks ago, I attended a conference in New Orleans. During one of the session breaks, a colleague and I decided to go make a run for some beignets. 

We found some alright. After two bites my entire face was coated with powdered sugar and my black pants looked like I had a white blanket across my lap. I tried to get it off, but it mostly smeared, putting me in a mild panic. After beating my legs like women used to beat stains out of their dresses with rods, I managed to get to my pants to the “Eff it,” stage where I just didn’t care anymore. My conference friend and my powdered sugar pants were off to do something fun.

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Rob cheated on me.

He cheated on me with a sexy, spicy, chipotle bacon burger. 

As if that wasn’t sick enough, he had the audacity to order a side of golden brown, delicious, crispy fries.

That selfish bastard.

While the wound is still raw, I want to share my story in case one of you finds yourself suffering from a dieting betrayal and may find comfort in my words.

It went down like this:

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BabyCenter has just come out with a list of parenting trends to look out for in 2014. Some of the things on the list didn't surprise or interest me too much. 

One gave me an eye-roll so fierce I panicked when one eye got stuck.

Half Birthday Parties.

As in, not only are we celebrating their birth day - but we're also celebrating that half-way mark to their next birthday.

NOPE.

As if birthday parties for kids haven't become stressful enough? Parents are already trying to create Pinterest approved magic by clearing out Hobby Lobby stores and creating a homemade event that would put a Martha Stewart themed circus to shame - do we really want to start doing this TWICE a year now? Why? Is this like a twisted version of the Hunger Games where parents try to eliminate one another with pure exhaustion by one upping everyone with fabulous and adorable parties?

Anyway, turns out - adding an extra birthday party seems to be the least of our troubles. There was one thing on the list that really got my attention. 

Jewelry made out of baby teeth.

DOUBLE NOPE.

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I woke up yesterday morning like I could conquer the world. As I cheerfully peeled back my comforter and jumped to my feet, I started to put on my work uniform: an oversized hoodie, high ponytail, boyfriend sweatpants and slippers. Bra optional.

Nothing could stop me.

I had a full day of writing ahead which meant I needed to brew 12 cups of coffee. I started humming to myself the sweet melodies of a life well lived when like a flash of lightening, the record of joy screeched to a horrifying halt. 

My mouth went dry. My pulse high. I was frozen solid. I tried to gulp air, but it felt like I was swallowing sand. No, not now, God. No. I can’t. Please. Not now.

Please.

Nyquil was out on the counter, tipped on its side. A tiny plastic cup was upside down dripping its contents. Cough drop wrappers stuck in the pool of purple goo like flies trying to break free from those weird sticky thingies people hang from the ceilings when they’re hoarders.

A man cold was in my house.

I gripped the counter, my knees trembled. I can’t have a man cold in my house. Not this week. Not ever. 

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Husband: What's I Am Britney Jean?

Me: Um, it's just a show I recorded.

Husband: Oh my god. You recorded a Britney Spears special on E!?

Me: Well, yes. I mean - I would have watched it live, but Long Island Medium and Little People Big World were also recording.

Husband: Really. Britney Spears, Anna?

Me: This is her big comeback, ok? Let the first person who hasn't shaved their head and hit cars with umbrellas and then act crazy and drugged on the X Factor cast the first stone.

Husband: Long Island Medium? Little People Big World

Me: Now that the kids are out of the house - well except for the one kid that's the little person - their marriage is crumbling. I care about these things, ok? I really want them to make it, but Matt seems to be going through a mid-life crisis and Amy doesn't feel loved or appreciated. All of these weddings have been really hard on his joints and he isn't sure he can do it anymore. Why am I even explaining this to you? You don't understand us.

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